Pride, Honour, Sacrifice
by Hedonistic Opportunist
Summary: "Congratulations, Suzaku. You not only deflowered a minor, but an actual aristocrat too."
1. Chapter 1

_**Pride, Honour, Sacrifice **_

**Disclaimer**: I own exactly _nothing_.

**Warning(s)**: Dark and dub-con. But it gets better with later chapters, I promise. Some brackets abuse and odd imagery here and there.

**Author's Notes**: Part one of _three_. Updates will come as I see it fit; the story is nearly complete, but I take ages to edit, sorry.

If you have questions you want to ask me or complaints, please either PM or send me an email. E-mailing me is better though because FFN isn't being very cooperative these days _(it's hedonisticdotopportunist at gmail com). _

Seriously, I've not been getting review or fav alerts for _days_, which is annoying when you've got as many stories posted as I do.

…

Lelouch had never seen a more disgusting place in his life.

It was - grotesque and abominably shady in every sense of the word. Attached to a bar - with the usual strippers in g-strings dancing around a pole and the smell of whisky and nicotine - _Creamy Productions_ studio was the last place he'd ever imagined finding himself in. A picture of a naked woman - dressed in _nothing_ but leather high heels was at the door, clearly giving anyone with half a brain an indication just what kind of films the studio produced.

What _exactly_ had he signed up for, here?

Lelouch felt the bile rising to his throat, no longer quite as certain about his fool-proof plan. The again, he wasn't sure it had ever been a plan in the first place - but more of a spontaneous action that had been borne out of despair. "Um, Miss Ashford - are you sure this is the right place?"

"Milly is fine. The sooner you learn to drop formalities around this place, the better. And don't make such a face, my boy. You said you wanted to make money, didn't you?"

Milly was in her mid-twenties, blonde and attired in a dress that would have been elegant, had it not been for the extremely low neckline and jeans jacket she was wearing. And the red boots.

But Lelouch hadn't come here to analyse this odd woman's fashion taste. Or lack thereof.

"Yes, I did. And you said you'd have a job for me. A good job," Lelouch said, hoping that his increasing anxiety wasn't becoming too apparent. "I'm just not quite sure what we are doing _here_."

When he'd thought of a job with good pay, he'd been thinking about professional gambling, not being led up into shady districts that were clearly part of the porn scene.

Milly's eyes widened, and she let out a laugh - hollow and nearly bitter. "Look kiddo, if someone chats you up in the middle of the street and tells you they've got a job for you, it's rarely going to be something _decent_."

Lelouch felt horror rising up his spine, his throat tightening. Panic shot through his veins, and he felt the urge to run. It didn't take a genius to figure out now just what kind of predicament he'd gotten himself into. "I- this kind of thing-"

The hard look in Milly's eyes softened and her tone was nearly sympathetic. "You know, you can leave now, if you don't want to do this," she walked up close to him and touched his cheek," just be aware that this is probably the easiest way to make money. If you've got nothing to lose, anyway. And you look like you need the money."

Lelouch knew that she was referring to his clothes, which - though far from looking tattered - were worn. He swallowed, his heart beating wildly against his ribcage as he looked at the picture _(the woman's eyes empty, dead - like those of a slowly rotting corpse). _He knew that he only had two options now: run away or face this like -

_(like a man. like someone who knew how to fight, never mind the losses). _

"I'll do it," Lelouch said, his voice firm though his body was trembling. "I'm ready."

Though he really wasn't.

…

"Hey, Milly," a blond-haired guy said," looks like you've pooled a really good fish out of the water."

"Of course, Gino. I aim not to disappoint."

Gino - the tag on his shirt revealing him to be the assistant director - walked over to Lelouch, surveyed him from head to toe and grinned impishly. "He's very pretty. Slender. Long-legged. A regular _bishounen _type - popular with our female clients."

Lelouch would have really appreciated it if they had stopped talked about him as if he were a sex object. But he found himself tongue-tied and too dazzled by the interior of the studio - which was nothing but one big room, in fact.

Everything was in bright colours - red, orange, neon green - and there were cameras all over the place and - he swallowed at that - a big bed with satin sheets at the centre.

The place of action.

Lelouch felt sick _(Ineedtogetoutofhere)_.

"Hey, don't start spacing out - what're you called, by the way?" Gino asked, waving his hands in front of Lelouch's face. He was still wearing that disgusting grin.

"Lelouch Vi- just Lelouch." There was no need to mention just where he'd come from or what his background was.

"So, Lelouch," Gino said, rubbing his hands excitedly, "let me introduce you to the others. And tell me about yourself, your preferences - if you know what I mean," he winked at that, "and everything else we should know."

Lelouch frowned, not sure what to say, but Gino, thankfully, didn't waste a lot of time to wait for a reply. He walked slowly - indicating with a motion of his hand for Lelouch to follow - and led them out of the room into another one, albeit smaller and full of people.

People who Lelouch would have never, ever even dared to talk to under regular circumstances. They were all smoking and dressed in even worse attire than Milly. Lelouch didn't feel like observing them for too long.

"So, everyone," Gino said,"this is Lelouch. A new recruit who aims to become part of our happy, happy family. So, introduce yourself nicely now."

A bespectacled man with grey or white or something of the sort hair stepped forward and enthusiastically - far too enthusiastically in Lelouch's opinion - shook his hand. "I'm Lloyd, the director, and the woman over there," he pointed to a purple-haired woman dressed in some horrendous orange getup, "is the make up artist, Cecile."

"And I'm the camera 'man'," a woman with green hair announced. "Name's C.C, you'd better remember that because soon I'll know every angle, corner, and crevice of your body."

"Yes, C.C will also use every opportunity to make you work harder by insulting your manhood," Gino said, laughing, "I remember how she made my life hell when I was still in business."

Lelouch felt like he was in some weird alternate dimension, where logic failed and everything had fallen prey to crazy, warped rules. He was glad no one had asked him to say anything, because he wouldn't have managed a word. And he was usually known for being eloquent. At least, when he'd still attended school.

"God, the new one looks like he's about to faint any other minute," the one person who hadn't introduced himself yet said. "You sure, it's alright to make him work here, Gino?"

"Why of course. He wouldn't be here, if he didn't want this - right, Lelouch?" Gino slapped Lelouch playfully on the shoulder.

"I-" Lelouch tried, but found his words failing him again, his heart racing as he found everyone staring at him. Damnit, he had to talk, say something or -

_Nunnally. _

"Of course, I want to be here."

The man named Suzaku looked at him quizzically, an odd smile forming on his face. "For someone who wants to be here, you sure sound very _displeased_."

Lelouch gazed at him, feeling like he'd seen him somewhere before (_a familiar face grown older, a familiar voice deeper - there was someone he'd known who'd had the same -)_

But he couldn't place it, his mind too confused right now. Perhaps if he'd had more time, he could have -

Lelouch frowned, feeling like Suzaku's green eyes were probing into his soul (_seeing everything, all his fears and weaknesses_) but, thankfully, Cecile spoke before Lelouch could defend himself and possibly endanger his "future career" here.

"It just must be the nerves. Never mind him, Lelouch. He's just cocky because he's gotten too famous for his own good." She took him by the hand and led him out of the room, away from Suzaku's prying eyes and terrible smile. "So Lelouch, I think it's time for the make-up."

Lelouch froze and stopped walking. They were in another and smaller room now, full of mirrors and those little black seats you sometimes found at a hair-dresser's.

"What -_now_?"

Cecille frowned. "Of course_ now._ It's not like we're going to waste time, you know? Besides, we need to check how compatible you are with Suzaku."

_By compatible they mean -_, Lelouch thought dimly and then let out a gasp. _That _- it couldn't be. Just now the full implications of the job and what was expected of him fully hit Lelouch and he realised that he'd been a bloody fool for not running away when he'd had the chance.

(_I was born to lead, not to bend over and be fucked by someone. I was -)_

"Lelouch, are you fine?" Cecile looked genuinely worried and pushed some strands away from his forehead. "You're hot."

"I'm just nervous." Big understatement. Lelouch forced himself to look nonchalant and proud, like his father always had before a public conference. Proud. Unmoved. Determined.

_Never forget who you are, Lelouch. Even in your darkest hours - sometimes you have to lower yourself to achieve your goals, _his father had always told him,and Lelouch knew that - even if his pulse was racing and his mind going _no no no - _he couldn't back down now. Not when Nunnally depended on him.

"Ah, don't be. We're not filming you today yet. This is just a test to see how well you perform before others." Cecile's smile was so warm and welcoming, so much indeed that, for a moment, Lelouch nearly forgot that she was part of this terrible establishment.

Lelouch didn't say anything, but allowed Cecile to lead him to one of the chairs; he sat down and watched as Cecile applied various creams, powders and what not to his face. Watched as she brushed his hair and applied light make-up on his face.

"You're so pretty," she told him admiringly, "such pale skin and beautiful eyes. Milly really knows how to pick them. I'll make you shine, you'll see soon enough."

Yes, she'd make him shine indeed.

_(Like a pretty doll about to get burnt). _

…

"Ah, you're finally done," Lloyd said smiling, "and what a beauty he is. Approximately 1,79, weight probably around 52 kgs, slender frame, pale skin and black hair. Aesthetically a perfect match for Suzaku Kururugi."

_Kururugi?_

Something about that name rang a bell in Lelouch's head, his father had -

"Oh, the princess is here." Suzaku was sitting on the bed, dressed in nothing but a red bathrobe of the same material as the bed-sheets. "Well, come over here and show me what you've got."

Lelouch felt sick as he walked over to Suzaku, a man whose smile would have been welcoming, nearly friendly in every other situation but _this._

"God, you're always like this?" Suzaku was grinning, licking his lips. His eyes were twinkling, unspoken suggestions lurking there.

"Like _what?_" Just because Lelouch was doing this didn't mean he'd allow himself to be mocked.

"Like you've got a stick shoved up your ass. Which will happen soon enough - bad pun, sorry. But, for real, chill out."

"I'll 'chill out'," Lelouch replied through gritted teeth, "soon enough. And you're neither funny nor particularly witty. _Don't you dare patronise me_."

Something dark and dangerous smouldered in Suzaku's eyes and the grin left his face. "Well, I'm sorry, your Highness. I didn't know that I wasn't being respectful enough."

"But you should be. Just because I'm new doesn't mean I'm stupid." And Lelouch wasn't - he was fed up of people assuming that, just because he had a pretty face, there was nothing else about him. He was the son of Charles Vi Britannia.

"Why, I think someone's going to go home very, very butt-hurt, today," Suzaku said in return, his voice deeper now and dangerously close to a whisper. "Don't think I'm going to let you off easy, especially when you put on airs like that."

Lelouch's hand curled to a fist. He wasn't putting up on any airs -

"Look, they're perfect for each other," a female's voice - C.C - rang through the room. "Already totally into it. Even the dialogue between them is foreplay."

"Yeah," Gino said, "I don't think I've seen two porn stars argue like this before."

_(Porn stars?)_

Lelouch felt all the anger and indignation he had been feeling before leave him; in his eagerness to prove his worth to Suzaku, he'd forgotten that they weren't _alone_. That they were, in fact, in a room filled with people and bad lighting.

(_whatamIdoinghereagain_).

"Ah, not so brave, after all, when you're brought back to reality, eh?" Suzaku said as he rose and - in a movement far too fast for Lelouch to register - pushed him down the bed. "I think you're nothing but a guy who just likes to talk big."

Lelouch stared, wide-eyed at Suzaku, noticed the way the bathrobe had slightly slipped past his shoulders, revealing a muscled torso and tanned skin. Fear - genuine fear - crept up Lelouch's body as he realised that Suzaku - his eye blazing with fury, mouth tight and face expressionless - wasn't pulling his legs. He really intended to -

_- have sex. _

Hands were tugging at the robe, pulling it open - exposing Lelouch to Suzaku and the other people in the room. Making them see parts of his body he'd never showed to anyone -

This was no longer a game, no longer something he could just run away from, but real. Dangerously real.

Lelouch started to struggle, but Suzaku's body was too heavy and the grip on his wrists too strong, too forceful.

All of a sudden, his father's words and Nunnally even didn't mean anything to Lelouch. "Stop it. I changed my mind - _stop it_. Now."

Suzaku didn't stop, merely looked down at Lelouch and shook his head. A sadistic glint of amusement in his eyes. "What? You thought we'd be playing cards?"

"No, I-" Lelouch answered, his cheeks flushed from the struggling," I changed-"

"Too late," Suzaku said, and moved his hand to Lelouch's cock, starting to pump. "Besides - the virgin act really isn't cute, you know? Not on jerks like you."

Lelouch had lost the power to speak the moment Suzaku's hand had wrapped itself around his cock - too confused, too horrified at what was going on. Barely registering the up and down motions of Suzaku's sweaty palms, Lelouch's mind half-grasped what was going on, he suddenly felt numb, detached from everything -

_(like a ghost floating above the ceiling, like looking at an old photograph of your mother, long dead, like seeing an old friend from your childhood, twisted beyond recognition-)_

"I admit you're pretty -" Suzaku said, pushing Lelouch's legs apart, "it's just a shame that you've got such a large mouth. But, when it comes to sex, those things really don't matter."

Lelouch wasn't really paying attention to what Suzaku was doing - only heard the lid of something being opened and closed again, his body shuddering as Suzaku pushed one lubed finger inside of him, quickly inserting another - the sensation both terribly uncomfortable and _painful._ He hissed out loud when Suzaku's fingers pushed in deeper.

Feeling the need to cry out for mercy or something, Lelouch opened his mouth but stopped -

_Remember who you are, Lelouch. Always._

Lelouch closed his eyes and thought of anything but the room, those fingers, the fact that he was doing something he'd not even imagined in his wildest dreams.

"God, you really don't need to act like this. I nearly feel like you're really new to this," Suzaku was saying as he pulled out his fingers. "But that would be bullshit. I mean, _really no one would be so idiotic as to sign up for this without having some degree of experience._"

Lelouch's eyes snapped open, feeling renewed anger flare up in him. That man, this Suzaku, he acted as if doing this was nothing but a simple chore. "That's just because people like you know nothing about pride. Or honour. Or sacrifice."

He didn't know what it was like to have a crippled sister waiting at home for him, a dead mother rotting in her grave, and a newly deceased father who hadn't once smiled at Lelouch while he'd been alive. Didn't know what it was like to lose friends, to leave everything behind.

The same anger shone in Suzaku's eyes again. And his voice grew dangerously low again. "Oh yeah? You think I know nothing, right? Nothing about _sacrifice_? As if doing this daily filled me with joy, as if I got off on having sex in front of a camera just to make a living, yes?" His voice no longer seemed to be exclusively aimed at Lelouch, the look in his eyes was wild, lost and, for - a sheer second - Lelouch saw who _Suzaku _was (saw past the facade, saw the raw pain in those eyes). "Asshole, I'll show you pride. And honour."

Suzaku took off his robe, threw it on the ground and settled himself between Lelouch's legs. And then he pushed himself inside, his cock entering Lelouch in one, clean go. And started to thrust, quickly, too quickly - in and out. Again and again.

_Pain. _

_(i'm sorry Nunnally-)_

Lelouch bit into his wrist, not wanting to cry out, not wanting to show the world just how much it hurt, how much he hated it - Suzaku, this blasted company, his father for dying and leaving him bankrupt, his sister even for being dependent, the world -

He knew he was crying then.

Suzaku froze. His eyes widening as realisation dawned upon him. He stopped and looked down at Lelouch, his face truly horrified. He pulled out immediately and a chorus of voices broke out in the room, but Lelouch could only hear Suzaku -

"You were _a virgin_? You were a fucking virgin and you-"

"Yeah, _I was_. And you're right; you showed me what pride and honour are. Even sacrifice."

Because he wasn't the one losing right now, was he?

…

"I can't believe, that's the most fucked up thing we had here for a while," C.C said, her face pale as she remembered what had just occurred an hour ago. "I mean, we've had relatively inexperienced people coming over here, but a _virgin_?"

An awkward silence made itself manifest through the room and all the people, seated either on red love sofas or leaning against the wall, exchanged quick, pained glances that communicated: "_Don'tlookatmeokay. It'snotlikeIknew._"

Gino ran a hand through his hair. "It makes sense now, his being so … nervous about the whole thing."

"I don't think nervous comes even close," Cecile said, "I mean, I'm so …," she frowned, her face regretful,"shocked I didn't see the tell-tale signs. He looked appalled, scared."

Gino patted Cecile on the shoulder. "Don't worry; it's not your fault. The boy came here out of his own volition. No one could have known. What shocks me though is how Suzaku just lost it. He rarely gets so emotional during sex."

C.C groaned, crossing her arms. "I know. I've seen him have sex with at least hundreds of people. He usually just treats it like a walk in the park, so to see him get that angry - I dunno. I didn't stop him because I thought it was exciting, until … _yeah_."

Gino sighed. "Look, I know we've had hard day, but can we just forget this. It's good that we'll probably never see this boy again. Though I'll really give Milly a good rant the next time she comes here. She shouldn't just recruit every pretty face she sees out there."

C.C nodded in agreement and then grinned. "But Lloyd will be disappointed. About Lelouch leaving."

Gino shot a confused look at C.C "_Why_?"

"He told me it was the best show he'd ever seen."

…

Gino knocked on Suzaku's door; he held a picture in his hand. No one replied. "Hey, I know you're there. Can I come on in?"

No answer still. Gino sighed and let himself in; no doors were ever locked here.

Suzaku was sitting on the floor, dressed casually in jeans and simple white T-shirt. It wasn't the first time Gino was struck by how ordinary Suzaku looked like this - just like the man in his young twenties as he was supposed to be.

Finally, he turned to look at Gino, his face oddly expressionless. "You know, when I started working for the company, I told myself I'd never allow myself to get too involved."

Gino walked closer to Suzaku, shaking his head and then plopped down next to him. "But it doesn't always work, does it?"

"It worked just fine, for me." Suzaku sighed and rubbed his temples. "When I entered the studio, fucked the random cunt, asshole or mouth, I could forget that I was Suzaku Kururugi, son of Genbo Kururugi, the former Japanese prime minister who'd gotten imprisoned for corruption, and female prostitution."

Gino laughed.

"_What?_"

"So you decided to get back at your father by becoming a prostitute yourself. Well sort of."

"No, I just wanted to wipe every memory of what I was, of what I once belonged to. It's a simple death. Maybe," Suzaku sighed loudly, "I was too much of a coward to kill myself, so I just decided to become what I hated."

"You're a weird one, Suzaku," Gino said and sighed - he wasn't really fond of listening to such depressing things for too long. "I just started working for this company because I loved sex. And pretty people."

"I get that, Gino."

"Ah yeah, _that Lelouch_. You know, I was thinking that name sounded vaguely familiar. Then I remembered that while in Britain - you know how they _love our porn_ - I often heard the name Vi Britannia," Gino chuckled," I know cheesy, but-"

"_Get to the point_, Gino."

Really. Couldn't he be a bit faster? Suzaku had a headache. Among other things.

"I am. You see, the Vi Britannias used to be a very influential, aristocratic family. _Used to_, that's the point. Seems they too, just like your Pa by the way, were also fond of corruption. So yeah. Many of them ended up in jail, but the de-facto leader Charles and his family 'escaped' to the US-"

Suzaku slammed his fist against the wall. "Will you _shut up_?"

Gino rolled his eyes. What a_ dramatic man _Suzaku was. "Just let me finish. So yeah. They come over here, but bad karma strikes. First the wife dies, then Charles himself, leaving the kids behind. A teenage boy and his _crippled _sister."

Suzaku was not getting it, but the wheels in his head were turning. He'd heard his father mention the Vi Britannias a few times, he remembered now. Often just briefly, but he'd mentioned their being in contact. He might have even met them once, who knew? He'd

been dragged to so many of these stupid parties of his Dad's –

_(He didn't want to remember). _

"Guess _who the boy is - _the picture is about two to three years old. Made around the time the family escaped," Gino said and placed the picture into Suzaku's hands."

_Lelouch. _

A younger Lelouch, perhaps. Around fourteen or fifteen. But it was the same face, the same eyes - proud and defiant - staring at him.

"So yeah, you weren't totally off-the-mark when you called him 'your Highness'," Gino said happily - far too happily. "Congratulations, Suzaku. You not only deflowered a minor, but an _actual aristocrat _too."

…


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning(s):** Porn stores, angst…?

**A/N: **

Thanks for all the feedback, and favs – really appreciated!

Update is a bit late, but sooner than expected because Eljay is dead, and I was in need of some distraction (I have a Kanji test today, which – oddly – always makes me wonder how much Japanese Lelouch knows in canon. Yeah, I know how to _focus_). So, I _edited_ this chapter.

Again, for complaints and so forth, PM or send me a mail.

…

Porn stores were, for all that Rivalz had fanboyed them to be and what not, surprisingly boring places.

Actually, Lelouch considered them regular stores - merely selling adult videos that were entitled in the most ridiculous of ways. "Gina and Friends" and "Stacy's Oral Examination" were among the more innocuous titles.

Lelouch had never watched one of those films, but didn't feel he needed to. It wasn't like you could expect anything enlightening from these videos. _Nothing but trash. _

(_You're just a prude_, Rivalz always told him, but Lelouch didn't listen, channelling out his friend's talk about "big tits" and "valuable sex education".)

It had been a month since Lelouch had started working _here_ - at the porn store that Rivalz's uncle owned. Rivalz had been bugging him for ages about it, telling him how his uncle didn't care about minors working at his store and what a great job it would be. He'd always declined, of course - until _well_.

Lelouch had never imagined that special circumstances (which he didn't wish to ponder over) would have led him to accepting the offer, after all. Perhaps, this was what you called _irony_, he thought.

"I'm pretty surprised that you're working here," Rivalz said, leaning a hand against the counter as he watched Lelouch go through the list of the newly delivered titles. That was pretty much all Lelouch did, going through lists and doing - well, a regular accountant's job. Sort of. Rivalz had to admit he was disappointed that Lelouch didn't seem to be interested in working at the counter - but each to their own, he supposed.

"Hmm. It's _work_," Lelouch said, shrugging his shoulders. "Besides, it's the only job I could do at night that offered decent pay."

_Apart from other things_, he thought, chewing on his under lip, trying not to remember just what kind of _other_ work existed out there.

And how he'd nearly- _(lost his pride, his dignity and everything else he ever believed in). _

"Yeah, that's good. You don't have to worry about Nunnally now. And, even if something happened, your place is only five minutes away from here."

Lelouch smiled, pausing in his work. "I'm grateful that … well, you gave me the chance to work here."

Rivalz frowned. "Hey, I always offered, you know," he pouted as he shook his head, "it's just that you always declined, and, well, I admit I was pretty stunned when you approached me about this job."

Lelouch could see the unspoken question in Rivalz' eyes and forced himself to smile, even if he really didn't feel like it now. "Well, I realised that it's not a bad idea to rely on friends from time to time."

Rivalz grinned and smacked Lelouch lightly against the shoulder. "You're so weird, man. You know that you could always count on me and Shirley."

"Yes, I can." A beat. "I'm grateful for that - really grateful."

Rivalz was frowning again. "Lelouch, it's been bugging me for a while-"

"What?" Lelouch was no longer even pretending that he was focusing on the papers in front of him. A serious Rivalz was a rare thing to behold, and Lelouch wasn't quite sure whether he liked it.

"I dunno," Rivalz was no longer leaning against the counter, but was sitting straight now and playing with the pencil lying on the counter - rolling it to and fro, "but I can't help the feeling that something happened. For the past month, you've been … I mean, you've always been rather quiet and, well, secretive … but you've been -out of sync sort of -"

Lelouch's eyes widened and, for a second, his face betrayed the emotions running through his head _(anger, disbelief, sadness and disappointment rolled up into one great big ball)_ "I'm fine, Rivalz. It's just that I'm trying to sort out things …"

"And I'm glad you are, Lelouch." He sighed. "I was glad to see you return to school, 'cause if anyone should graduate and go to college, it's _you_."

Lelouch shrugged the compliment away with a dismissive way of his hand. "Oh, come on, my grades aren't even that _good_."

"But you never study and, though you'd been gone for a few months, managed to catch up on everything more than easily. Other people would have had to repeat." Rivalz nodded and then flashed a toothy grin. "Besides, it's thanks to you that I can work here too. Cuz' you help me out with the homework and stuff. Seriously, how do you do that?"

_That's because the stuff we're doing at school is a walk in the park for me_, Lelouch thought, fighting back the urge to roll his eyes when he thought of the elementary Mathematics they did and suppressed the urge to groan, too. While others spent hours crying over these problems, Lelouch could solve them in his sleep.

"Anyhow, it's good to have you back. Shirley really missed you -"

Lelouch, sensing which direction this conversation was heading to, immediately silenced Rivalz. Really, did the guy never get a clue?

"Look, I won't start dating her, no matter how often you say that we'd be good together." Lelouch didn't add why he knew dating would be a bad idea. It was one thing to be friends with people, though still tricky because you could never let them too close, always tip-toeing around the edge -

_(reveal too much and you might subject yourself to scorn, humiliation and - worst of all - pity)__._

Unfortunately, Rivalz didn't get the hint - judging by the way he was frowning in his usual silly way and, mouth tightening, mentally bracing himself for the delivery of a lecture (which, much to Lelouch's dismay, he always performed with much pathos).

"Why don't you at least give her a chance? She likes you, Lelouch. She's liked you for the past two years and you just keep on giving her the cold shoulder - ah, well, maybe you're just _asexual_." Rivalz sighed loudly and rolled his eyes. Then a grin appeared on his face and he chuckled. "I mean, come on, you work at a porn store now - every normal teenage boy's wet dream -"

"Oh, _shut up_." _Please_, Leloucht thought, _shut up before I start tugging at my hair. Or do something equally disgraceful. _

Rivalz continued. "Every normal teenage boy's wet dream and you - well, you don't _even look at the covers_."

"They're disgusting," Lelouch said, his eyes firmly trained on Rivalz's - his gaze serious and bereft of anything but that no-nonsense, 'will you bloody stop talking about this' look.

Rivalz threw his hands up in the air and sighed - loudly. _Loudly enough for the entire neighbourhood to have probably heard it_, Lelouch thought. "I give up, I really do. I wouldn't be surprised if you remained a _virgin _forever, Lelouch, and that's a real shame because-"

Lelouch stood up, trying his best not to look at Rivalz as he felt the bile rise to his throat, all of a sudden, things he'd tried to forget flashing before his mind -

_(Camera lights. Satin bedsheets. Green eyes.)_

"Lelouch- something wrong?"

_(Hands touching him, something hard pressing against his thigh - and then just pain, pain and pain). _

"I've gotta go to the storage room and see if all the delivered articles are in good condition."

However, right before going to storage room, Lelouch went to the toilet and emptied the contents of the measly afternoon meal he had had a few hours before.

Forgetting was so much harder than he'd ever imagined possible.

…

It was past midnight when he reached the Victorian style building - Victorian in the sense that it was shabby and looked more like it had crawled out of a poverty-stricken area in a Dickens book thanbelonging_ here. . _

Still, Lelouch was grateful to be back at home - a small apartment that was far too close to the heart of the city _(cars hooting all night long, the traffic sounds a daily orchestra)_, but the neighbourhood was safe and it wasn't like Lelouch could complain too much.

Beggars couldn't be choosers, after all.

And Lelouch, despite his aristocratic dislike for anything that was shabby, was enough of a realist to know that they were still better off than the rest of his _(humiliated)_ family. Not that it meant he'd put up with it - he always dreamt of the day when he could offer something better to his sister.

"Nunnally?"

Of course, there was no answer.

_She's asleep_, Lelouch mused and felt the urge to slap himself on the forehead for calling out her name. But, somehow, whenever he returned to this small apartment, it felt comforting - no, it was necessary - for Lelouch to ascertain that Nunnally was there, that she was fine _(her smile carefree as always). _

Maybe, he was really too much of an overprotective brother, as Shirley always said, but then again, Lelouch didn't care what others thought. Even if Rivalz likened him to a jealous father at times when it came to the possibility of any boy ever liking Nunnally.

(Really, I think you should get yourself a shotgun soon because boys are already beginning to notice what a cutie your little- _ouch,_ you didn't have to pinch me that hard, Lelouch!).

Lelouch took off his shoes, placed them neatly next to the others on the floor, took off his jacket and stashed it away into the closet. On tip-toes then (the floor in this apartment was wooden and _squeaked _when one walked), Lelouch went in to check on Nunnally, the moonlight falling in through her window, allowing him enough of a glimpse.

"I'll protect you," he whispered silently as he leaned against the door, heart warming at the sight of her sleeping face: so innocent and free of any sorrow. It amazed him at times how she always saw the best in any situation. Sometimes, Lelouch truly believed that she was better at handling things than he'd ever been.

Her smile being the thing that drove him onwards against -

_(__a world that had practically destroyed his family and left him and his sister to rot). _

Maybe, just maybe, Lelouch thought she was the one _protecting_ him as he closed the door to her room.

…

Lelouch was quite grateful that his job at the porn store didn't involve _him_ renting or selling videos to any customers.

_You'd just frighten people away with your serious gaze and constant frowning - people don't come to a porn store to be lectured on things like decency, either_, Rivalz always said and Lelouch couldn't help but agree in this case.

Somehow, for all his silly antics, Rivalz understood Lelouch better than he'd ever expected to be understood by anyone. He was touchy-feely, yes but didn't pry any closer than Lelouch allowed and, while he teased Lelouch about his lack of interest in girls or sex, he never directly questioned his actions. Or forced him to go on blind dates. He knew that certain lines couldn't be crossed when it came to Lelouch.

Sometimes, at least.

Not right now, however - breaking Lelouch's concentration while he was trying to do some much-needed - because Rivalz's uncle seemed to have as much of an understanding of Maths as his high school-aged nephew did - accounting. And Lelouch really couldn't concentrate with the sound of pacing footsteps, a metal door being flung open and his best friend's - _loud _- panting.

"Hey, you can't just - no, you wouldn't believe who's here right now," Rivalz said, out of breath and his cheeks flushed from the all the running. "I just - wow. I mean, I knew that my uncle had good contacts but -"

Lelouch rolled his eyes. "Calm down, Rivalz and try to speak in complete sentences."

"Um, I don't think you'd know him, but - well, he's a big name in the porn industry. Is quite well-known for doing straight as well as gay porn." Rivalz paused, thoughtfully bit his teeth against his lower lip and then chuckled. "Not that I watch his gay stuff, Lelouch, cause I'm not gay, though, you know, there is nothing wrong with being ga-"

_Not that again_, Lelouch thought, _he just can't stop making references to that stupid song, can he?_

"_Who_? I've got work to do here, Rivalz and you're kind of wasting my time-"

"A Japanese guy called Suzaku-er, something. Japanese names are kinda difficult to pronounce."

Lelouch let his pen drop, feeling his body freeze and tense up - that familiar sense of nausea rising within him again. Because the last time he'd heard a Japanese name had been that night, when he'd met that guy and when _they had - (don't think of it, Lelouch - don't even)_. It couldn't - it just couldn't be. This had to be -

a nightmare. A stupid nightmare he'd wake up from starting every minute (_starting now, __**now**_**)**.

"What's the matter, Lelouch?" Rivalz looked genuinely worried now, leaning over Lelouch and was about to put his hand over his forehead, but Lelouch swatted the hand away.

"I'm fine, Rivalz."

Lelouch forced himself be calm, to stop his body from shaking too noticeably and even willed a fake smile on his face - something a (fallen now) aristocrat like him had been taught to do from birth onwards "Nothing. So what does he _want?_"

"Ah, just a few vids. I'll go back to the counter, I just needed to tell you. 'Cause, really, it's kind of surreal."

"Then you can just go right back."

"You don't want to see what he looks like?" Rivalz looked genuinely disappointed, and Lelouch, despite his nausea, rolled his eyes. Really. What was with Rivalz and his ardent fascination with anything porn-related?

"No, it's really, _really not necessary _for me to see him."

The last thing Lelouch wanted or needed to see was Suzaku Kururugi.

…

"I'm sorry, I kind of let you wait. I just -" Rivalz paused, feeling that he could be open with this Suzaku guy. He didn't look too arrogant or anything. In fact, dressed in those jeans and a regular T-shirt, with those black sunglasses perched on the bridge of his nose, he looked like a normal guy.

_A college student_, perhaps and Rivalz briefly wondered how such a young guy had made it so big in the porn industry. Then again, stranger things had happened.

"I just had to tell my friend about you, Mr-"

"Suzaku is fine."

"Sorry, I guess that's kind of strange," Rivalz added, suddenly feeling like some weird sort of fanboy. And really he wasn't. It just wasn't daily that you, well, ran into the guy who was (kind of) your role model when it came to sex. Especially more now because he was that _young._

Suzaku laughed. "Don't fret yourself. I'm kind of flattered really."

Rivalz's eyes widened, then he broke out into relieved smile. "Really? That's cool then."

"Well, it's not like," Suzaku's voice fell to a whisper, "everyone admires you because of working in the porn industry. But really, I'm mostly your regular guy. See-" He tapped his fingers against the porn videos he was holding against his chest. "So I'm cool with people complimenting me about it."

"You can be glad that you didn't have my friend standing at the counter here," Rivalz said, chuckling. "He's so prim and uptight that I'm surprised he's working here in the first place."

"And you told him about me?" Suzaku asked, his voice oddly curious - too curious, in fact, but Rivalz didn't notice that, more preoccupied with the thought of his strange (too fucking uptight) friend.

"Ah, yeah. Though Lelouch was less than pleased."

"Hmm," Suzaku said thoughtfully, "I'm not surprised."

"What was that?"

"Ah, it's - nothing. He's probably - jealous, maybe?" Suzaku was grinning - a stupid and boyish grin - that again made Rivalz think: _How the heck did this young guy end up being a porn star? When you speak to him like this, he's just a regular - person._

"Jealous?"

"Of me being a porn star and all," Suzaku said, licking his lips,"some boys would sell their soul to the devil to work in the porn industry."

Rivalz laughed, nearly breaking into a fit. "Lelouch? Jealous?I doubt he's ever even watched porn in his entire life_. _He'd rather - I think he'd have to lose his mind to even consider something like that_."_

Little did Rivalz know that exactly just that had happened. Even if it had been a momentary lapse of judgement on Lelouch's part.

…

Lelouch was grateful that Rivalz and his uncle considered him responsible enough for the duty of locking up the shop. Grateful because Lelouch could end the day in silence and -

"So that's where you're working now. Kind of ironic, don't you think? All things considered."

Lelouch froze. He'd heard that voice once (and afterwards too - in his nightmares). His heartbeat quickening all of a sudden, he turned around-

only to see the one face he'd been trying to forget about.

"_What do you want_?" Lelouch said, his voice gaining a dangerous edge as he watched Suzaku walking towards him, looking frighteningly normal in that outfit, so much that Lelouch nearly felt silly for a second - for feeling-

_(the adrenaline rushing through his veins, the need to run away). _

Because when he looked at Suzaku like this - then Suzaku didn't look much older than him (maybe three to four years older?) and, again, Lelouch was struck by the resemblance those green eyes shared with someone he'd known once. A boy who'd shared the same name - a name he'd nearly forgotten (buried it deep, deep inside), but -

_(never those eyes or that large smile that lit up his features). _

More so now, because Suzaku looked so frighteningly ordinary now- just like that boy had, the boy called Suz- - _oh God it couldn't be_, Lelouch thought, his eyes widened as he slapped a hand against his trembling mouth -

_Su-za-ku Ku-ru-ru-gi_, Lelouch slowly pronounced in his head. Was he an idiot? Why hadn't he seen it at once -

_(and it clicked)._

Lelouch felt his entire world spiralling out of focus, everything he'd ever believed in was dying before his eyes because -

this had to be a lie. It just couldn't be.

"Hey, don't make that face. It's not like -" Suzaku sighed. The way Lelouch was looking at him - as if he'd killed someone, as if he'd betrayed him in the worst way possible -

_It oddly hurt,_ Suzaku thought,_ oddly made something inside of his stomach churn._

Then again, considering just _what had happened_ between them, he really couldn't blame the other too much. "It's not like I've been stalking you or anything, okay?"

"Really." Lelouch knew at once that Suzaku was lying. He'd always been a miserable liar.

"Really, okay?" Suzaku suddenly felt stupid for a moment because he was crossing his heart and the look that flitted through Lelouch's face seemed to reveal nothing but "_what an idiot._"

"Then it would be best if you just left now. Because I really, really don't want to see your face ever again."

And he really didn't. Not even when he knew who Suzaku was now. More than ever now, in fact.

Lelouch continued to walk, knowing fully well that Suzaku was following him. "If _this_ is your definition of not stalking, then -"

"You know, I don't blame you, but then again ... I guess we kind of need to er," he cleared his throat "_talk_."

_Talk?_ Lelouch nearly burst out laughing. That was the sort of thing childhood friends turned lovers did, after kissing each other for the first time. _Not them_. "I don't think-"

_("Ne, Lelouch - do you think we'll be friends forever- hey, I wasn't being sent- whatever you call it!"_

"_Why are you always the one winning at chess - I'm __**older**__ than you!"_

"_You're just angry because I beat you at that race again - hey, don't make that face!"_

"_You should smile more, Lelouch.")_

Lelouch paused. If Suzaku was still Suzaku - _his Suzaku _- (_was he even still?_) then he was mightily stubborn. He sighed and turned around, but not before motioning Suzaku with a flip of his hand to follow him.

…

"I live here. Come in, but make it quick." Lelouch felt he should have added something like "and if you dare try something funny, I'll kick you in the groin and then call the police", but he wasn't some girl and, really, it didn't look like Suzaku actually had any bad intentions, did he?

_(Or am I just being a fool again?)_

Suzaku let his eyes sweep over the apartment, now slowly gaining on illumination after Lelouch had switched the light on. It was - small and, though well-furnished and neat, didn't quite belie the fact that, whatever circumstances Lelouch lived in, they were _modest._

_So, I guess he wasn't lying about the sacrifice part. _

Suzaku asked the first question that shot through his mind. "Say, how old are you?"

"17. _Why_?"

_Great, so he really is a minor. Just fucking great, _Suzaku thought and chuckled.Not only because Gino had been right, but because - now standing there in Lelouch's apartment and looking at that tall, yet skinny boy - it should have been obvious from the get-go. Then again, he'd met dozens upon dozens of people in the industry who didn't look their age.

"I'm glad it amuses you so much, _Suzaku_."

Suzaku paused for a moment, somewhat surprised at the familiar way Lelouch used that name - and the correct pronunciation of it. Nearly as if - but Suzaku didn't have time to think about that.

"What the hell were you doing at a porn studio, Lelouch? Just what the hell would a seventeen-year-old boy do at a porn studio?"

"I don't think it's any of your business." Lelouch wasn't going to spill his life-story in front of anyone. That wasn't something a Vi Britannia did. You didn't look for pity but encouraged respect in others.

Suzaku sighed and - without being asked - sat down on the sofa. "I think you're kind of wrong there, Lelouch. It's kind of my business, especially when your stupid actions involved me fucking you under false pretences."

"I didn't report anything, did I?" Lelouch said, not liking how comfortable Suzaku was making himself. Not liking that he was having this conversation at all. "And I did say, _no_, Suzaku, remember that."

_He'd even cried _and Lelouch didn't remember the last time he'd done that.

"At that point, I thought you were screwing with my head, trying to play a cute little virgi-"

"It wasn't a _game_." Lelouch tried to keep his voice down, the rage growing greater and greater. "But, of course, you were too intent to prove yourself to me."

"How the hell was I supposed to know that you were," Suzaku's voice was no longer calm or even friendly, but cold - so cold that Lelouch felt a shudder running down his spine, "that you were a minor and a virgin at that? Forgive me for assuming that anyone who's willing to work in the porn industry would be anything but _those two things_."

"I said that I didn't report anything. Okay? _So leave now_."

Suzaku didn't make any move to get up, still sitting there on that couch, where Nunnally usually sat and folded her cute little paper birds. "I'm sorry. I can't just fucking leave, Lelouch. Not when you humiliated me in front of my co-workers like that. You think," he paused and felt disgust rise within him, "that any of them have been looking at me the same way again?"

"How typical, Suzaku - how typical."

_Typical_? Why was this boy talking about him as if he knew him? The only person who'd ever talked to him like that -

"And now you're thinking how dare I talk to you like that, right?" Lelouch asked, his tone icy. "Or you're confused that I've seen past your pathetic little demeanour."

"What-what are trying to tell me?" Suzaku looked up at Lelouch, looked up at the boy leaning against the wall, his hands curled into fists and his eyes blazing - not with fear. But _fury._ Fury in its rawest form.

"It's all about you, isn't it? You think all of this is just about you. You, you and _YOU_."

Suzaku looked up - half in amazement, half in anger. And saw that defiant gaze in Lelouch's face again, his violet eyes shimmering with so much poorly suppressed rage that Suzaku was surprised that the boy hadn't thrown anything at him yet. For a second, he was nearly scared. Because, though Lelouch was slim and delicate in terms of body built, those eyes clearly belonged to someone you didn't make into your enemy.

He couldn't speak, no words forming in his throat because those eyes seemed to see through the cracks, exposing all the ugly secrets Suzaku had been trying to hide from others and himself. Especially himself.

"You think that I walked into the porn studio because I wanted to? Because I was looking for some …" Lelouch cringed at that, "_fun?_ Nothing I experienced that night was fun, in any sort of way."

"And, you come waltzing in here, expecting _what_?" Lelouch paused, feeling himself running out of air and his head reeling, dizziness taking over. "The worst thing is that you didn't come here because you were worried about me, but because you just wanted to soothe your own ego."

"I didn't-" Suzaku started, but found himself not being able to say anything. Because he suddenly realised that the, past month, when he'd been thinking about Lelouch, those defiant eyes and everything else that had happened, he'd only been angry. _Angry_ that Lelouch had fooled him, had tricked him and -

_brought out the worst in himself. Made him realise that, no matter how he'd tried to kill that part inside of him, he was still capable of feeling. _

Lelouch chucked, his voice bitter. "You did. Everything you said today proved that the only person you feel sorry for is yourself. _Not me_. In fact, Suzaku, son of former prime minister Genbu Kururugi, I think the only thing you've been doing for the past few years is feeling terribly, terribly sorry for yourself."

Lelouch didn't know the full details, of course - didn't have to - because he'd seen it all that night - Suzaku's empty smile when he'd introduced himself, the fake smile he'd put on before Lelouch had pushed his buttons, the words he'd taunted him with -

"How did you know?" Suzaku asked, suddenly feeling sick and not even pausing to think how grotesque the situation was: a seventeen-year-boy passing judgement on a twenty-one-year-old porn star.

"_Oh, please_," Lelouch said, rolling his eyes. "It's not like the name didn't ring a bell once I had time to … ponder over what happened. Besides, the internet is a vast sea of information."

Lelouch was lying, of course. He'd only realised it a mere twenty minutes ago, but Suzaku didn't need to know. The less Suzaku knew, the better. If he let him go now, let Suzaku quit the scene before the final act, then Lelouch could, perhaps, forget that they'd met again and pretend that Suzaku was -

_(Don'tthinkaboutit)._

"Get out," Lelouch merely said, and - with more strength than he'd imagined possessing - grabbed a bewildered Suzaku by the wrist and threw him out of his apartment - and out of his life.

Suzaku was already halfway out of the door when he heard Lelouch silently saying - probably not expecting to be listened to still. "It's a shame, really. Because the Suzaku Kururugi I used to know was a very nice person. _Foolishly stubborn, but kind_."

But Suzaku didn't have the chance to ask what Lelouch meant by that or when they'd met _(when? where? how?) _because he was already outside, hearing the sound of a lock falling into place. Then footsteps - hasty and quick (- _angry_ -) fading away into the distance.

It was only when he was outside that Suzaku remembered that Lelouch was a Vi Britannia and that, during one of those parties his father had always dragged him to, he'd met a younger boy with violet eyes - proud and defiant even then. Even as a small child.

Had met him more than once, often enough that they'd been _friends_.

Good friends even - no, they'd been best friends. Even if they'd not met daily, had only met every few months during those parties - but they had still been close enough that Suzaku, though he'd despised the useless blitz and glamour, had looked forward - genuinely looked forward -

_(God, Lelouch-). _

He'd forgotten.

_(he'd wanted to forget and had managed admirably: drowning in one porn movie after another, until the only thing he remember__ed was the taste of sweat, come and spit). _

And, God, it really was easy to forget a name, especially when you tried to forget everything else as well.

Enough that he'd not recognised those violet eyes even when he'd - _pushed into him, even when their bodies had -_

Suzaku suddenly stopped walking and broke out laughing - clutching his stomach as he felt wave after wave of hysterical laughter spill from his lips, his body shaking as he just laughed and laughed and laughed.

…

Suzaku was in his apartment now, seated on his bed. Or better said, in _his and Gino's apartment_.

They lived together not only because they were friends (as close as one could get to being friends in the porn business) but because Gino, a year after their first meeting, had - without prior invitation - shown up on Suzaku's doorstep, muttering something about him being too "fucked in the head" to live alone and thrusted his suitcase at him. And that was how they'd ended up being roommates - something that Suzaku, admittedly, didn't quite regret.

Mostly. But not right now.

Somehow, Gino was way too pleased with himself - leaning his back against Suzaku's (always touchy-feely). "So how was your little reunion scene with our resident bishounen?"

Suzaku fought back the urge to punch the living daylights out of Gino. Really, what was up with that smirk? "Nothing."

_Only that I realised he was my childhood friend, whom I incidentally mistook for an experienced jerk with a big mouth and then proceeded to fuck. Too bad that I realised too late he was__ a virgin. And I guess tough luck that our reunion took place like that._

"So he shot you down, I gather - your broken puppy dog look when you came home today said it all."

"Go fuck yourself, Gino - ah, forget it, I know you like doing that anyway," Suzaku said and continued to stare holes into the wall.

Gino sighed and wondered if he should do something about the wall, considering that Suzaku seemed to have gathered a rapt fascination for it as of late. "Really, Suzaku. I don't know what you were expecting. You took the boy's virginity in the most horrid of fashions and expected him to - what? - be _grateful?_"

Suzaku swallowed and rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. No, he'd not necessarily expected Lelouch to be pleased, but he hadn't quite expected - whatever, now that he knew who Lelouch was, Suzaku wasn't even that surprised anymore. "I just didn't think he'd be that _furious_."

"_Suzaku_," Gino sighed, "He's a former aristocrat. These people are prouder than hell. You saw him at his weakest, of course he's not going to be pleased. If anything, he's got to be seething - not only at you but _himself_. For allowing himself to have gotten into such a situation."

Suzaku sighed. He knew about aristocrats. More than he wanted to -

"He's just different from what I'd thought he'd be." _Very different_, Suzaku thought. Or not so different now. Because, even then, when he'd _not known_, when he'd driven inside of that tight heat and seen Lelouch's eyes widen in pain, there'd been something -

_(so strong and unbreakable - so familiar). _

Even when he'd finally broken out crying, Suzaku had known - even then - that it hadn't been so much out of despair, as sheer anger at being humiliated.

"Maybe you were expecting a victim. That was it? Maybe you thought you'd see someone broken, but -"

Suzaku laughed. God, that Gino. For someone who insisted on invading his personal space all the time and usually talked gibberish, he was quite insightful.

Yes, Suzaku had expected a victim and realised how foolish he'd been. Because Lelouch was -

"He was defiant and angry. Arrogant, too." The sort of arrogant that reminded Suzaku of Japan and his - _father_. Things he didn't quite want to remember. But Lelouch had re-opened all the wounds that he'd tried to put behind him and bury with a past that he hated and yet-

sometimes wanted to return to so badly that he couldn't sleep at nights and woke up, gasping _(clutching at ghosts that he couldn't reach). _

"You should just forget about him then, Suzaku. From the looks of it, he's fine. _Dealing_," Gino said and brushed his hand against Suzaku's knee, "You should just go back to -"

"Making porn, is that it?" Suzaku said bitterly. "The truth is I'm beginning to ask myself whether -"

"_You're the victim_, is that it?" Gino asked, his eyes no longer playful and no smile lighting up his features. "You know, I said you're a weird one before already. Most people enter this industry because they're either horny, lonely or just need the money. Mostly, it's all three."

Gino sighed, glad he couldn't see Suzaku's face as he spoke now, not because he was afraid, but because he just didn't want to see the broken look in those eyes. "You hate doing this, so much that I'm surprised you haven't taken to drugs or alcohol yet, but you still won't stop, even though you've got money, aren't really all that horny and … well, I don't think you'd have to be all that lonely, either, Suzaku. I just think you're in love with the pain."

"He said something very similar," Suzaku said, suddenly feeling like laughing because, really, suddenly, it seemed that his entire life was just one big parody. And he was the big mind behind it, operating and pulling the strings so that the parody could continue entertaining its sadistic audience.

"Wow, then he's quite smart," Gino said, his voice gaining an admiring note. "Because I've been trying to tell you that for _the past few years_."

"Yeah, he was always that -_smart and proud_." Suzaku smiled, a bit - his voice affectionate, fond. Shaking his head. "Perhaps a bit too proud for his own good."

"_Was always_?" Gino asked, his eyes widening as he started to understand. "You know him?"

"I didn't quite get it before, not even when you showed me the picture because - hell because it was quite a while ago and I've tried to forget everything about Japan and my father, but yeah I _knew _- no - I _know_ him quite well."

And it was then that Suzaku realised, even though Gino was right about letting go, that he couldn't - not yet - quite let go of Lelouch.

Because, sometimes, no matter how hard you wanted to forget, the past just had a wonderful way of _haunting you_.

…

"_He'_s here again - and geh, can't stay 'cause I have customers waiting for me at the counter," Rivalz said, and Lelouch didn't even ask this time, but merely muttered a "fuck" under his breath (never curse out loud was what his parents had taught him).

"And – what now?" Lelouch let the pencil fall from his hand as he heard someone else enter the room - the linoleum ground not muffling the sound of footfalls.

"I've decided to work here," Suzaku said, smiling as he entered the room, "it's a nice place and I've been hoping-" he checked to see whether Rivalz was still there or not - he was gone, thankfully, "to get to know you better."

"You're not serious," Lelouch said, "Tell me this is a bad joke."

Because he really had no desire to get to know someone better, who - a month ago - had fucked him in front of cameras and flashing lights. Really. Didn't matter that it was a former childhood friend.

"No, it isn't," Suzaku answered and bit back the urge the laugh. The look on Lelouch's face - that perfectly scandalised look that only a true aristocrat could have mustered. And the way he was folding and unfolding those hands, his movements still elegant despite the obvious anger and indignation he had to be feeling.

"I thought I made it quite clear what I thought of you yesterday," Lelouch said, sighing loudly despite himself. "You just can't take _no _for answer, can you?"

Suzaku really had to suppress a smile from spreading over his features. Lelouch was still the same then: still painfully and fittingly witty. His mouth still a blade that could cut deep wounds. _Like a fierce kitten,_ Suzaku had often thought when he'd been younger.

"Just like you can't admit to weaknesses, I guess, Lelouch Lamperouge - or should I say, _Vi Britannia_?"

"Are you trying to blackmail me, _Suzaku_?" Lelouch asked. "Is that it? And where did you get that info from the - _internet?_"

"_No_. I just want to know what drove the son of Charles Vi Britannia into enough despair that he - foolishly - ended up at place he shouldn't have," Suzaku paused, looking at Lelouch's face - seeing the slight mortification and pain there, "it's just that the boy I used to know would have rather died than _sold himself like that_. What would Nunnally think if she knew?"

"So you_ do remember_." Lelouch's face gained a sorrowful quality as he saw Suzaku nod - once, then a second time. A stupid, bashful smile playing on his face that Lelouch wanted to wipe off because it really didn't fit the mood at all. "I wish you didn't. It would make it easier to just pretend that our paths never crossed again."

Suzaku's felt his heart lurching - an invisible punch being landed against his guts.

"I didn't at once. I don't think you did at first, either. But then," Suzaku smiled again this time - wistfully -"it's not like you'd expect your childhood friend to end up working for a porn company."

"I never thought I'd meet you under such circumstances," Lelouch said, his voice suddenly sad and eyes downcast,"I never thought you'd become that sort of person."

_-who'd sell his entire pride just to waste his life away, _Lelouch wanted to say, but bit back on that comment.

Suzaku didn't ask Lelouch to specify because he knew - knew that, if he'd been his younger self and had seen what he'd become right now - he'd probably be just as disgusted as Lelouch was. He could deal with his own self-hatred but seeing the way Lelouch perceived him now was more horrible than he'd imagined possible.

"You were _so proud,_ Suzaku. _So strong._ I never thought you'd fall like this."

"You sound like you used to admire me once." And Suzaku suddenly felt like crying because he'd forgotten Lelouch, had forgotten how much he'd liked him once - how he'd, in fact, admired the raw intelligence in a boy four years his junior. Someone he'd considered an equal back then, even though Lelouch had been shorter and his voice still that of a child's.

_(He'd grown up quite fine, his voice a deep baritone now, and his slender frame only highlighting the natural elegance that had always surrounded him)._

"I - I did," Lelouch admitted, "not only because you were stronger or faster than anyone else I knew, but because you didn't treat me like all the other stupid kids did during the parties." A beat. "You were always -"

"A bit of a bully? At first," Suzaku added and then grinned. "I remember how I asked whether you were a girl when we first met."

"And I said your English sucked. Or something like that," Lelouch said, his mouth twisting into an involuntary smile. _They shouldn't be smiling_, he thought. Not after -

_(but, for a moment,__ it was nearly as if time had come to a halt and they were kids again). _

"But then we got along, yeah. After Nunnally-"

"Yeah, after she had her accident. You were actually the only one who wasn't afraid to come closer to her, but treated her - like _a person_."

Suzaku felt the urge to leave now because he'd heard the unspoken accusation in Lelouch's voice and knew that - that night, that horrible night - he'd not once seen Lelouch as a person. But he couldn't. Not yet.

"Do you hate me that much now, Lelouch?"

Eyes widening, Lelouch looked up at Suzaku, saw the raw emotion in those green eyes and the _regret, the shame and self-hatred - _burning so vividly that Lelouch wanted to hit something.

_(Don't look at me like that, you idiot.)_

Lelouch laughed hollowly. "No, not hate - I'm just … _sad. _The whole thing is just a level too fucked-up for me, _Suzaku_." He didn't add the unspoken: "_I could never hate you, Suzaku - not you," _because he knew that Suzaku could it see plainly spelled out on his face.

"I'm sorry." And Suzaku really meant it.

…


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning(s):** Lots of talking?

**Author's Notes:**

Yay!_ Reupload._

Let me explain things: the re-upload was necessary because there was so much _fail_, I can't believe. I was quite insecure about the exposition in the previous version, and some helpful pointers made me cut out a few things here and there.

Comments would be nice on this? Because I'd really like to know what y'all think (don't worry, not going through this again or I'd _rewrite_ the whole thing, orz).

...

Though he'd told Rivalz that working in the porn industry was every boy's wet dream, Suzaku thought it was only a half-truth. Most boys would have, once confronted by the camera lights, felt their erection waning. _Pronto._

(_It's much harder to keep sporting a hard-on front of a cameraman than most teenyboppers think_, Gino always said.)

Suzaku could only agree, especially if said cameraman was C.C. They only referred to her as C.C since she liked to, as she termed it, keep 'business and private matters apart'. That, and she was strange – stranger than Lloyd, which said a _lot_.

"Yeah, good - keep thrusting, Suzaku. Give it to her hard," C.C was saying, her voice - despite the words - sounding bored, as if she were talking about the weather and not two people having sex right in front of her. "You girl, just keep moaning harder - tell him how good his cock makes you feel."

At those words, Suzaku bit back the urge to groan and roll his eyes. She wasn't as bad as Lloyd (_angle your hips more to the right, Suzaku - yes, a 45 degree and now ..._), but it was hard to listen to her, and Suzaku channelled her voice out of his mind and just continued thrusting, moving his hips at a rhythmic pace.

He was nearly like an inanimate object with no purpose other than performing its task well _(and God, he felt so empty, so very empty)._ Sometimes, Suzaku found it difficult to even consider the person he was fucking to be a human. Indeed, as if to confirm this, he didn't even know the name of the woman underneath him – was it Cindy? Gina?

He didn't really remember or care. Their names were always the same in the long run.

She didn't really look too different from all the others either, he thought as he drove into her, but then he wasn't really looking at her. Not that he needed to. His cock just kept sliding in and out of her as her breasts flopped up and down, her mouth disgustingly wide open as his sweaty palms gripped her hips. Her long hair (she wasn't a natural blonde) spilled all over the pillows, and her legs were wrapped around his waist –

Nearly like some rag-doll in an amateur puppet show.

But it was easier this way, easier to fuck someone when you didn't care who they were, and it didn't even matter. Because when you didn't care, when it didn't matter, then you also didn't think too much because, as Lloyd often said, thinking was bad for this business.

_(You just have to focus on the bodily pleasures and on the flesh. You don't need anything else: this isn't the place for pride or honour.)_

_No,_Suzaku thought_, this really had nothing to do with pride or honour._Pride was something you could use when fighting in a battle, when being part of something important. Honour was something you knew you were making a change.

But Suzaku didn't need either. He was neither a martyr nor a hero, and he definitely wasn't making this world a better place by acting in porn films.

Suzaku was just an angry little boy masturbating to a tragedy he'd brought down upon himself, Suzaku thought as he came, spilling himself on the face of a nameless stranger.

_(And it was meaningless, so fucking meaningless.)_

_..._

Later, when Gina or Cindy or whatever her name was had already left in order to take a bath, and Suzaku was putting on his black robe, C.C approached him.

Suzaku's eyes widened because C.C rarely approached him, and even when she did, it was mostly just to taunt him _(a splendid show, boya - you were born to do this, weren't you?)_. Or ask him for some change, so that she could order a pizza. "What do you want?"

C.C didn't answer at first, but was leaning against the wall, only a few feet away from the bed. "You know, even if you hide it well, I can really tell you absolutely weren't into it - fucking that woman. It was a chore for you, right?" C.C's tone was devoid of any concern, but, because she was so nonchalant, Suzaku found a cold wave of mortification and shock running down his spine and fixed his eyes on her.

This strange, odd woman with eyes that seemed to have seen more than someone her age _- how_ _old was she exactly_, Suzaku wondered - should have been exposed to. For a second, he was terrified until he remembered that she was just a human being too: made of flesh and blood and not in any position to judge him.

Didn't she make a living out of filming people having sex, after all?

Pot calling the kettle black.

Suzaku decided that he wasn't going to allow her to make fun of him because, even if he'd buried most of his old self, a part of Suzaku was still so much Genbu Kururugi's son that he didn't take crap from people.

"And _you're_ better?" Suzaku asked, running a hand through his tousled hair. "Seriously, any idiot can tell that you're bored as hell." And not even 'bored' was enough to describe the sheer lifelessness that C.C exhibited while she filmed.

C.C sighed and sat down beside him on the edge of the bed, clearly avoiding the soiled sheets. "True that. It's just that, once you get past the initial excitement and embarrassment, this industry doesn't really have much to offer." She suddenly laughed - a strange, nearly hollow sound that didn't fit her at all, but then Suzaku had never seen her really smile even. When she smiled, it was either condescending or mocking but never happy, and it never reached her eyes. "Though I have to admit I never found porn particularly exciting or even embarrassing."

Suzaku looked at her, not even surprised. Just curious. If she hated porn that much, what was she -

"You wonder why I'm working here, right?" C.C was looking at him now, not in her usual bored or mocking way but really just looking at him. "Probably because I've got nothing better to do …," she hesitated for a moment and, for a brief second, something like pain flitted through her eyes. Suzaku saw so much vulnerability and loneliness in that one sheer second that his stomach churned, "or nowhere else to go."

It was stupid, but Suzaku felt that question rising to his lips before he was even thinking clearly. But a part of him just couldn't deal with so much blatant honesty. "What do you me-"

"This industry," C.C said, cocking her head to the side, "is paradise on Earth, Nirvana even, for people who've forgotten what it's like to live otherwise."

"You sound too dramatic." Which was strange because, in the four years he'd known C.C, she had never struck him as particularly dramatic. Only bored _(resigned)_. And probably more fucked up than a person should be, but then -

(_You know someone who isn't fucked up in this industry?_Gino had asked him once, smiling, when he'd been high on alcohol. A carefree smile that had looked entirely out of place on a man with such sad eyes.)

"Dramatic? I don't think so. It's just the truth." C.C stared at him for a moment or two, her way too wise, way too all-knowing eyes seeing through him. "Admit it, you're only here because you're too afraid to live, but also too much of a coward to point a gun at your head."

"You -" Suzaku started wanting to deny things, but then he knew she was right - just like Lelouch was right and Gino could see right through him - and Suzaku realised, then and there, he had never been more disgusted with himself in his entire life.

_(His father, at least, had – when he'd been imprisoned – gone to hell with pride and dignity etched on his features)._

...

"Hi," Suzaku said as he entered the backroom of the porn store and gulped. Lelouch was already there, looking as pristine as always - despite the fact that he was wearing a simple, faded pair of jeans and an equally simple T-shirt (_wasn't he ever cold?_ Suzaku wondered.)

Lelouch muttered a quick "Hi" in return, briefly looking at Suzaku and then turning his attention again on the task at hand - a stack of papers was lying on the desk before him, and he was typing something into a calculator.

"Still have to do all the accounting that Rivalz's uncle neglected?"

Lelouch looked up at Suzaku, nodded and went back to calculating, though he saw the disappointment in Suzaku's eyes: those green eyes widening and then narrowing, a brief flicker of anger shining through but then turning into solemn acceptance.

But Lelouch couldn't, didn't want to talk to him right, not when his thoughts were still a mine field of contradictions _(part of him wanted Suzaku to disappear from his life, another part of him wanted to pull him into an embrace and never let go again)_.

Stupid, all of this was just so stupid.

_Better to keep it cool, professional - distant,_ he thought. There was no need to show Suzaku just how _affected_he was by his presence. Not that it really helped matters because Suzaku was still here and - judging by the way he was playing with the strings of his sweatshirt – _nervous_.

But then again, Suzaku had always been stupidly open his feelings. Sometimes. There were times when Lelouch had no fucking clue what went on in Suzaku's head.

_He looks so normal now_, Lelouch thought while his heart lurched, but yes, Suzaku looked so normal with those thankfully loose-fitting jeans and that stupid sweatshirt. Fortunately, Suzaku was not wearing his gangsta glasses today. Lelouch made a mental note to do something about Suzaku's fashion taste when things between them had somewhat settled down. Because, clearly, being in the porn industry had killed off any sense of elegance in Suzaku.

His thoughts came to a standstill when Suzaku started speaking. "Lelouch -"

"_What?_" Lelouch paused in his work, and felt the creeping suspicion that he wouldn't get finished today, and he'd really, earnestly hoped to get this pesky thing completed.

"Do you think it's bad that - forget about it." Suzaku smiled and tried to ignore the way his heart beat quicker when Lelouch looked up - his eyes looking right into his, and Suzaku found himself, though feeling exposed and so, so vulnerable, not able to tear himself away from that gaze.

"You sound like you can't forget about it. Is it your …," Lelouch took a deep breath _(inhale, inhale)_before he continued, _"_your _other job_?" He wasn't going to allow those green eyes to distract him nor that bashful, little smile _(stupid, stupid Suzaku, just stop smiling like that - so sadly -– I can't think clearly when you do it.)_

_How had he_ - Suzaku shook his head. Of course, Lelouch_knew_because Lelouch always seemed to know everything_._ That and Suzaku hadn't been quite subtle in introducing the subject. "Well, it's been getting harder, to be honest."

Lelouch snorted."I don't see what's hard about, well, about _getting hard_ and sticking your cock or dick or whatever you call it into someone's vagina or anus." Lelouch knew he was being crude, grotesque even (_don't sound like one of those uncouth plebeians_, his father had always told him), but then to hell with being refined and posh when he had to work eight hours every night just to ensure that he and his sister somewhat got by. "I'm sorry I can't be more understanding. But, compared to people who do actual work, your issues are trivial."

"My issues are trivial, huh?" The smile faded from Suzaku's face, and he felt that familiar surge of anger rise within him. That _bastard_, passing judgement on him so coolly! Suzaku clenched his fist, his voice cool when he said, "Of course, it's easy for _you_ to say that, Lelouch." What did Lelouch know about the porn industry -? "Of course, it's easy for you when you have no fucking clue about how the world works and you're just sitting here in this comfy little shop, doing your nice little equations …"

Suzaku felt he was right about this, of course he was. _Lelouch had no idea_, Suzaku thought as he looked into Lelouch's eyes and saw -

_(Pride. Defiance. Fury)._

"Oh, I have no idea?" Lelouch put his pen down and, getting up from his seat, walked over to Suzaku and grabbed him by the hem of his sweatshirt."Aren't we being the self-pitying martyr again, Suzaku."

"Lelouch-" Suzaku stopped talking, those violet eyes _(so beautiful yet downright terrifying when narrowed in cool rage)_ making it impossible for him to continue. He could see that Lelouch was going to go on a tirade, his body shaking - as if he couldn't wait to spill the dirty details but loathed himself at the same time for not being able to remain still. For a second, Suzaku thought Lelouch was going to punch him – and Suzaku closed his eyes, waiting for the punishment he deserved.

_(Lelouch should have done this from the get go.)_

But the furthest thing from Lelouch's mind was physical violence. _Oh no_, Lelouch would never dirty his hands like that, and hitting someone would have been too easy. Lelouch knew that it wasn't physical wounds that cut the deepest.

"You have no bloody clue about what it means to do a job _that is hard_." Lelouch nearly smiled - because triumph was sweet - when he saw how Suzaku's eyes widened, how his jaw fell nearly slack at the tone he was using now (s_peak with absolute authority and pride when you want to bring down your enemies_, Charles Vi Britannia had said.)

Lelouch didn't wait for Suzaku to reply, didn't even have to because the other looked absolutely stupefied now. "My father died, my _once so proud father_died because he worked himself to death."

"Worked himself to death-" And Suzaku sounded cautious, careful, _afraid_, and Lelouch nearly felt sorry, but he couldn't go weak on Suzaku now.

Lelouch was smiling now - but it was a bitter smile, his violet eyes blazing with fury and rage and - Suzaku paled as he saw it - _pain._ "When an aristocrat," he was talking slowly, articulating every syllable with the uttermost care, "falls into disgrace or, better said, is brought down on to his hands and knees, the only thing he can do is either lick the soles of his enemies' feet...or try to continue living."

While Lelouch paused for breath, Suzaku stood there, helpless – still leaning against the wall, and Lelouch's hand still gripping him by the hem of his sweat shirt. He could have freed himself and run away, but he couldn't – no, he didn't want to. Suzaku was fed up of always running away, and – at this moment – he wanted to stay at Lelouch's side.

"My father - he chose the latter. Of course he did. Because my father," Lelouch's voice cracked a bit and took on a nearly hysterical note, "though he was stern and often harsher than he thought, loved us. He wanted us to be happy."

"Lelouch-" Suzaku's voice was laced with - something Lelouch didn't want to hear right now, not when he _hated him_ at this moment. Not when he was speaking with the intent of hurting him. "And because he loved us, because he wanted to spare us the humiliation of seeing him go to prison, he decided to come here and start anew. It was," Lelouch paused and shook his head, then bit his under lip, "naïve of him. But he was…so convinced that he'd make it here. But…" Lelouch swallowed and gripped Suzaku's shirt tighter. Damn it, he wasn't even sure why he was saying all of this anymore.

_This can't be just to hurt Suzaku_, he thought dimly. _No_.

Damn, Suzaku. Damn everything. Lelouch had been dealing just fine until he'd crossed paths with Suzaku. If they'd never met – Lelouch froze, realising that he didn't regret meeting Suzaku at all.

Especially not when Suzaku really looked concerned, and it was genuine care shining in his eyes. "Lelouch, you don't have to continue-"

But Lelouch _wanted_ to continue. "Mother died first. Just like that. We still don't - I mean, the doctors said it was…but I think she died from the sadness. And -" Lelouch found it harder to speak now, when he recalled _how_ she'd died – it had been too sudden. One day she'd been awake and trying, and the next day – just dead.

"Lelouch – stop. _Please_." He was hurting, and Suzaku didn't want Lelouch to hurt because of him. Not again.

"Just let me say it, Suzaku." Perhaps, it was time he _did_. He let go of Suzaku, his hands trembling a bit as he did so. "And when she died, something inside of him died too. And then he was dying slowly, but he continued to smile and work - for me and Nunnally's sake." Lelouch paused, feeling his entire body shake; an odd chill was spreading through it. "But you can only keep on smiling for so long and, six months ago -" Lelouch paused, taking a deep breath.

Terror spreading throughout his entire being, Suzaku waited – his mind was reeling.

_(Gino's voice: But then bad karma strikes. First the mother died, and then Charles himself, leaving the kids behind. A teenage boy and his crippled sister.)_

"He committed suicide. Swallowed too many sleeping pills. I found him."

_(His proud father, his fiercely proud and strong father, lying on the floor, face pale and drooling)._

Lelouch was shaking harder now, and Suzaku couldn't see his face, but then Lelouch looked up, and Suzaku froze. He'd expected anything but the sight of him _crying_. However, though his thoughts were all haywire, Suzaku put his arms around Lelouch, ignoring the way the other froze.

_This_ was one of the few good things he could do for Lelouch.

Hands punching at Suzaku's chest, Lelouch tried to break free from the embrace. "Don't touch me. I don't need your _pity_." Underneath the _(angry)_ sobs and _(angrier)_shaking, Suzaku saw that Lelouch's eyes were still burning defiantly, "You can go and shove that pity into - well, where you usually shove it. Into your _job_."

Anyone else would have punched Lelouch now - and it would have been easy, so easy: he was so frail and skinny like this, _so weak._

_(That day it hadn't been hard for Suzaku to push him down onto the bed)._

"I'm not - _pitying_ you_._Just being there for you. Let me be your anchor for now. Just for now_._" Suzaku was rubbing his back soothingly now, his hands familiar and comforting. "You did the same for me back then, remember? The last time we saw each other."

Lelouch's hands froze, and he stopped trying to push Suzaku away. "You- you didn't forget?"

"For a while, I did, but I remember _now_." Funny, Suzaku thought, how he was recalling more and more of his past these days. He shook his head at that but didn't grin, remembering instead.

(_The day Genbu Kururugi had gotten busted by the police - sold out by his friends or those he'd believed to be his friends - Suzaku had done the next best thing. He'd gone off into an empty room and found solace in drinking. Because anything was better than having to deal with reality._

_Too bad, they'd chosen one of those parties. But then, public humiliation was so much more grand when done in a place people least expected it._

_Suzaku was already on his third or second bottle of vodka or whatever he'd grabbed when he felt someone walk into the room quietly and wrap their arms around him. Suzaku tried to push the person away._

"_Leave me." His voice was slurred. He wasn't even sure if he spoke English or Japanese or a mixture of both._

"_No, you shouldn't be alone. Not right now, Suzaku." And the hands wrapped themselves around him tighter, holding onto him. And Suzaku, his brain hazy as it was, knew that it was Lelouch and knew that, for the time being, it was alright to just let go and cry._)

Lelouch didn't know how long Suzaku held him; it didn't really matter. He only knew that it was warm, and – despite everything that had happened between them – he didn't mind Suzaku touching him.

Cliché as it sounded, Lelouch could have lingered like this for a while, but he knew that reality was waiting for them. He took a deep breath. "W-we should um, get back to work, so you should um-"

_(let go of me already)._

Perhaps, it was the tone in Lelouch's voice, but Suzaku felt his cheeks going warm. Why was this so awkward all of a sudden? He let go of Lelouch, who proceeded to walk back to his desk, looking (mostly) as composed as ever.

And Suzaku felt this great need to say something. _Anything_. "Rivalz isn't here yet, thankfully."

"Ah, he's got the flu," Lelouch told him. "So, it's good you're working here now, because I'd rather -" He waved his hand dismissively and rolled his eyes.

"Die than work in front of the counter?" Suzaku chuckled and his eyes were shining with mirth. "I know _enough_ about you to know that, Lelouch."

That would have been an interesting spectacle, indeed. Lelouch trying to sell porn – the Pope would have done a better job at that.

"Suzaku-"

"_Yes_?" Suzaku hoped he didn't sound as nervous as he felt.

"Do you -" Lelouch stopped; he suddenly felt terribly awkward, "I mean, if you want to, you can come over tonight. After work. Maybe even meet Nunnally - if she's awake_."_

Which was a bad excuse because she was rarely awake at this hour, but Suzaku didn't need to know that.

...

Suzaku thought that the walk to Lelouch's apartment was a rather awkward and tense one – he didn't even know _why_, considering that he and Lelouch had – well, they had sort of patched up things, hadn't they?

But he wasn't too sure, really. So, even if it was silly, he felt the need to address matters.

"Lelouch, are we - you know what I mean." Suzaku knew what it had to sound like - shy and hesitating (and he was a _porn star,_ for goddamned's sake). But it had been bugging him for the past two weeks.

_(Lelouch's eyes had said: "I don't hate you.")_

Lelouch stopped walking, and looked at Suzaku, the streetlights making his hair appear a strange shade of green. "No, I don't know what you mean, Suzaku."

"I meant: are we friends again, Lelouch?"

"We never stopped being friends, Suzaku." That was the truth, and there was no point in denying that.

"Huh? But _I - but we_-" Suzaku was hesitating, and he hated himself for it, but then this had never been his forte. ""You are you fine with, I mean alright with it – um, that night?" God, Suzaku really hated how he couldn't string his sentences together properly, sometimes.

_Why, how articulate, Suzaku._ Lelouch had to restrain himself from grinning at that. "Yeah, _that_. I know." But any amusement he might have been feeling left him when he remembered – that night, those cameras, Suzaku's sad, sad eyes, and his own bitter, bitter humiliation.

"_Not fine. Or alright with it_, Suzaku but-," he paused, again that familiar wave of nausea spreading over his body, "y_ou_ mean more to me than - we were both at fault that night. But I don't want to talk about it, right now."

"I guess, it's all too fucked up, right?" And Suzaku frowned. It really was screwed up - all of _this_. His life. Lelouch's life. All of it, damn it _(once, they'd both just been boys who had loved spending time with each other)._

"Yes -"

"I'm so-"

"Suzaku," Lelouch said, turning around again and shaking his head. "Don't start apologising now. I know _you -_once you get started on that, you never stop." Because even when they'd been younger and Suzaku, though proud and a bully at first, had quickly revealed a softer side -

_(I'm sorry for breaking running that fast - I'm sorry. I didn't know that -_

_Ah, Lelouch. That was your favourite shirt? I really apologise-_

_Lelouch, I'm sorry I said you were a stubborn perfectionist. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.)_

"But-"

"_Suzaku_, I mean it." Lelouch his eyes back on to the road, and gestured Suzaku to just follow him.

_..._

"Your apartment is really … nice."

Lelouch rolled his eyes. "You don't need to be polite, Suzaku. Feel free," Lelouch said with a flippant wave of his hand, "to say that it's shabby and small and ugly."

"Not ugly - you furnished it nicely. I mean - it's not shabby. Or ugly." And it really wasn't. The furniture was simple: the door, once you opened it, immediately leading to the living room, where there was a sofa, a round glass table, and other things that, though simple, definitely weren't tacky or your regular IKEA assortment."It might be cheap, but it shows class…I think." Not that Suzaku knew much about things like that.

"Mother furnished it," Lelouch said, not smiling.

Suzaku heard the sorrow in Lelouch's clipped tone. "I'm so-"

"Not that again, Suzaku - ah, I give up." Lelouch sighed and then smiled - affectionately, warmly (_a real smile, not those fake, forced smiles he'd seen him use around Rivalz nor the condescending one he'd put up that night)_. "You're hopeless, Suzaku Kururugi."

Suzaku didn't know why he was feeling so light-headed all of a sudden, his heart oddly heavy - but not out of sickness. "I guess." He smiled too until he remembered what they'd come here for. "Nunnally's asleep?"

"Yeah. Though you can sneak a peek. I always do that - just in case and all."

The smile on Suzaku's voice grew wider. "Still the overprotective brother, I see. You're hopeless too, Lelouch."

"Shush now," Lelouch said and - perhaps, without realising it but doing it out of pure instinct - grabbed Suzaku by the hand and dragged him along to Nunnally's room. His palm was cool. "I just don't want to wake her up unnecessarily," he whispered as he opened the door, giving Suzaku the chance to see Nunnally - the moonlight bright enough to allow that.

And Nunnally was just as cute - no, cuter - than Suzaku remembered. Her hair was a bit longer, but her face still as innocent as it had been when she was a child. Suzaku could imagine that her smiles were still as warm and carefree as they had been back then.

As Lelouch closed the door to her room again, Suzaku could understand why Lelouch was so protective of her. Why even he'd gone as far as he had that one time and Suzaku thought - as he remembered again - that he really had no right to be here. "Perhaps, I should leave..."

"You can stay overnight. And don't protest again -" Lelouch sighed as he looked at Suzaku's troubled expression, "I trust you. Whatever happened that night, I still trust you."

...

Suzaku sat - feeling somewhat out of place - on Lelouch's bed (he wondered dimly if he was really going to spend the night here). When Lelouch spoke, Suzaku nearly jumped. _So not obvious there at all, Suzaku_ - God, why was he so nervous?

"They do you fit you, after all." Not only that, actually, Suzaku looked surprisingly domestic like this, dressed in Lelouch's P.E. shirt and pyjama pants.

Nodding just a bit, Suzaku said, "The shirt is bit tight around the shoulders though, but it's not a problem."

Lelouch shrugged. "Hmm. It's too big for me."

Suzaku grinned, his eyes glancing at Lelouch's frame. "You've always been _too_skinny_."_He didn't mention that it wasn't the gangly or sickly sort of skinny though, but that it rather fit Lelouch. It would have been an awkward thing to say.

"Oh well," Lelouch said and crawled into bed,"I don't really get the appeal of having lots of muscles and all."

Suzaku chuckled heartily, flashes of a younger Lelouch appearing before his mind. "You just don't like physical exercise."

"That too." Lelouch sighed. He really didn't see the point of lying about that. Suzaku knew him too well, after all.

It was only then that Suzaku realised that Lelouch was in bed already. Certainly, even if he'd invited him to stay over, Suzaku didn't expect that he was welcome _here_. "Lelouch. Um. Shouldn't I - sleep on the couch or something?"

"_Why_?" Lelouch knew _why_Suzaku was being odd about this, but he really didn't want to go through the whole "I know you had sex with me under unfortunate circumstances, but can we please stop being so awkward about it" ordeal.

God, it wasn't like he didn't feel…odd about the whole thing _(and confused and upset and sometimes angry),_but Lelouch didn't want to spend his entire life re-analysing and re-constructing the events of that night."We used to fall asleep in the guestroom beds during the parties as well. So stop acting like this is something new, Suzaku."

Suzaku sighed. Lelouch had a point; he always did. "I'll switch off the lights then." He had to do something because his nerves were all tangled up.

"Okay. The light is straining my eyes," Lelouch said as he pulled the bed sheets over his body. He had been starting to feel chilly. "Hurry up, Suzaku. I'm tired," he added when he noticed that Suzaku was still sitting on the bed.

Suzaku felt like slapping himself on the forehead. "Right. Sorry." He got up and turned off the lights. Then, his heart skipping a bit, he crawled right into bed and did his best to keep his distance from Lelouch. Right. Because there was no reason to - Suzaku's eyes widened when Lelouch slid closer to him. "Lelouch..."

"What? I'm cold, okay?"

And his tone was the sort that made Suzaku realise that no amount of protesting would make him change his mind. Besides, Lelouch had always -

_("Am I your teddy bear?" Suzaku asked, hating that this ten-year-old brat was leaning so close to him. Sure they were sharing a bed, but -_

"_Oh, shut up, Suzaku. I thought best friends were supposed to be helpful." Lelouch sounded angry and defiant._

_Suzaku felt like sticking his tongue out but didn't because he was older and wiser. But still he pouted. "Who said I'm your best friend?"_

"_Just hold your tongue, idiot.")_

Suzaku shook his thought at the memory. God, they'd been terrible brats, but it had been fun. He really wished - Suzaku smiled - they could return to _this_. "Your feet are _cold_."

"Shut up." But he didn't shift, his feet still brushing against Suzaku's. Lelouch just really wanted to sleep. And Suzaku was kind of warm, his presence so familiar. Lelouch felt that everything would be fine as long as he remained here.

Suzaku also felt warm and thought that Lelouch's presence was welcome and comforting._"_Your feet were always this cold when you were a kid too."

"Suzaku-" Lelouch sounded annoyed - really, really annoyed. Even spiteful. A bit like a kid who didn't get the Christmas present they'd originally wanted.

No, Suzaku had to say this. He didn't care whether Lelouch wanted to hear it or not. "I missed you." A beat. "I really missed you."

A sigh. "I missed you too. Now shut up and let me sleep. Some people here need to get up early in the morning."

Suzaku frowned. "Lelouch, it's already early morning-"

But Lelouch was already asleep, his breathing calm and steady and Suzaku felt a pang in his chest, realising just_how tired and drained out_Lelouch had to be.

He took a deep breath and - maybe because he could still feel Lelouch's feet brushing his own - Suzaku felt himself getting more drowsy too. He felt warm as well - warmer than he had felt in a lifetime.

...

"Stop drooling on the pillow and get up, lazybones. I'm surprised I thought you were supposed to be an early riser."

"Huh?" Suzaku's eyes snapped open to the sight of Lelouch's neat room bathed in the morning sunlight and, as he looked up, he saw a frowning Lelouch, dressed in simple jeans and a black T-shirt, with his arms crossed - 'weird' was the word that flitted through Suzaku's brain.

_I really did spend the night over here._

Lelouch rolled his eyes."I said, get up. I have breakfast ready, and I don't have time to wait."

Suzaku tilted his head to the side. "Oh, I don't think I'm really hungry, though thanks ..."

But, even if he wasn't hungry, the thought running through Suzaku's head was: _"Since when can Lelouch cook?"_

"Look, I don't care if you eat or not, but Nunnally wants to meet you. So get ready."

_..._

Lelouch shook his head as he walked back to the living room that was their dining room as well. Nunnally was seated at the table, a small smile playing on her face. "So he'll be ready soon, yes?" Her excitement was evident, even if she tried her best to hide it.

_Cute_. Lelouch smiled. "You really missed him, didn't you?" He gripped her hand and squeezed it tightly. Nunnally squeezed back.

"Suzaku really hasn't changed."

"Hmm?" Lelouch was a bit surprised.

Nunnally smiled - nearly a bit teasingly. "I can hear him - he's still as energetic as ever!"

_Ah, okay._Lelouch had nearly forgotten that being blind had sharpened Nunnally's sense of hearing.

If "energetic" meant banging doors and the sound of dashing feet (Suzaku was probably frantically trying to get ready) then Lelouch could only agree, though he really felt a headache coming on. "Suzaku is worse than a kid."

_At least that part of him_, Leloucht thought and his smile faltered because - he really didn't want to think about his less innocent aspects right now. Not when Nunnally was smiling like that nor when Suzaku, his hair still tousled, came in. And he was smiling - that stupid, bashful smile that lit up his eyes in a way that made Lelouch's heart flutter. He also felt like there were butterfli-

_Right_. Now this was beyond ridiculous.

What was _wrong_ with him_,_ anyway? Perhaps, Lelouch had gotten too little sleep, and he was really grateful that his reverie was interrupted.

"Suzaku!" Nunnally said, and _he_ actually ran over to her, kneeling down and kissing her hand.

_Like some knight_, Lelouch thought and shook his head. So Suzaku hadn't outgrown his playfulness either.

Lelouch watched them interact from a distance: Nunnally talking about how "_much I've missed you, Suzaku"_ and "_I'm so glad we can meet again_" and Suzaku, smiling and still holding her hand, saying things such as "_Me too, Nunnally_" and "_You have become so pretty_" at which Nunnally blushed and giggled.

And they seemed so happy - genuinely happy - to talk to each other again that they didn't notice that he hadn't spoken yet or moved an inch from where he was standing. But he wasn't jealous or upset, just content.

_(For a second, the word was how it should have always been: him, Suzaku and Nunnally. All of them smiling and carefree and happy - no dead fathers, no shameful pasts._

_Just them.)_

But Lelouch knew they had to roll back to the present, as hesitant as he was to be the one to set things into motion. "I'm glad you two are so overjoyed, but, Nunnally, we need to go to school in an hour, so -"

"You still go to school, Lelouch?" Suzaku was no longer smiling now and suddenly realised what a stupid question that was. Of course. Lelouch was_seventeen._ But then he remembered something else too and that something - a teenage boy cropping up at a porn studio - didn't quite fit in with the picture of an educational institution. "I assumed you had dropped out or something."

Lelouch frowned. "I-"

"Brother recently returned," Nunnally said. "He dropped out for a few months - to work for..." she stilled and frowned - an expression neither Lelouch nor Suzaku liked seeing on her face.

And Lelouch - always the overprotective, loving brother - reacted first. "Nunnally, don't feel sorry for - it's not your fault…"

She shook her head. "But it is. If I weren't like this, you would have never had to leave." Nunnally sounded genuinely sorry, so sorry that it sent a pang through Suzaku's heart, so much that he, once again, understood why Lelouch had nearly sold his pride for her.

"Why don't we just eat?" Suzaku said, flushing slightly for interrupting an emotional moment between the two siblings so bluntly and rudely, but – when he looked at Lelouch – he saw that the other looked relieved, grateful even.

Perhaps, he wasn't quite as useless as he thought.

...

When Suzaku arrived at his apartment, he was confronted by a grinning Gino lounging on _his_ bed, and Suzaku knew he'd entered the death zone. Or something like that.

Because the first words Gino said weren't 'where you've been, old man?' or 'hello', but -

"Here comes the man who scored." Gino was smiling and giving Suzaku a thumbs-up.

Which was a bit grotesque, Suzaku thought and his eyes widened. _Grotesque_? Gosh, Lelouch was rubbing off on him already.

"Do me a favour," Suzaku said as he sat down on the bed, "and shut up." He noticed the questioning look in Gino's eyes (that wink, wink, 'I know what you did last night' stare) and sighed. "Fine, I did share a bed with him."

But the moment he said it, he realised he shouldn't have because Gino's eyebrows rose, and he had the look of someone who'd hit the jackpot in the lottery.

"So you've really slept with him? I'm surprised he let you." And Gino seemed to be enjoying this – too much, for Suzaku's tastes. "I must say, he really has to be_ something_ _– _did the untouchable Suzaku finally fall in love?"

What_, love_? Suzaku's eyes widened, and - what really surprised him - he felt himself … no, he couldn't be blushing. He hadn't blushed in _years_. "I slept over at his apartment, but did not _sleep with him_. Well, not really."

"I don't get what you're saying," Gino said and looked at Suzaku with questioning eyes. "So you didn't go all the way …?"

Suzaku let out a huff of irritation. He could see the confusion etched on Gino's features, and it really bothered him. "We did nothing _sexual._ Just slept in the same bed."

And during that entire night, Suzaku hadn't once thought about doing something to Lelouch, just enjoyed feeling the warmth of another person. He hated that Gino was cheapening that.

"Really? And that wasn't…strange?" Gino frowned. "I mean, you did take his virginity -" Gino sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I mean, no matter how you look at it, you two have had sex already, so it's just odd that you'd only share a bed with him now."

Suzaku felt like he'd just been stabbed in the chest. Did Gino really have to bring up that night again?

"Yeah, I did," Suzaku replied and then sighed, weariness rising up in him. "And I kind of wish everyone would stop making such a fuss over it. Sex is just _sex_."

And it was the truth, wasn't it? Even though Suzaku felt a bit like a hypocrite saying this now, considering that _he'd_been the one freaking over it when he'd been alone with Lelouch. For his part, Lelouch had been surprisingly unconcerned about it.

"Yeah, _we've_ done it too -" Gino added, and Suzaku rolled his eyes - a 'you're not being very helpful there, Gino' look on his face. "But you know, for us it's not a big deal. I mean, it was part of the job and well - work is work. _Even if it's fun_. Mostly - anyhow, the point is that for Lelouch, it wasn't work."

"Lelouch acted like it didn't concern him all too …" Suzaku started, but his throat was going dry. He was forced to pause, all the while remembering how Lelouch - yes, though he'd been more talkative and all - had been…ah, he didn't know. "Lelouch - he's always so proud. Always acts as if nothing could move him."

"It's just an act, then," Gino interrupted him and leaned further back against the bed, "You're an idiot, Suzaku if you think it doesn't bother him somewhat."

Deep down, Suzaku knew Gino had a point, but he still didn't really want to face the facts. "But I couldn't. He's not me-" And Lelouch would hopefully never turn out to be like him, either. "I think Lelouch has already put the whole sex thing behind himself."

"Maybe he's just trying to pretend it never happened, trying his best to see you as his childhood friend - but," Gino said he stared Suzaku right in the eye, "it's not going to work, you know? You've changed, Suzaku. And, as much as he tries to hide it, your relationship with him has changed too."

"Just shut up-" Suzaku started, not liking the direction this conversation was heading towards at all (_it's not true, it's not true, it's not true_, his brain was chanting.)

Gino wasn't impressed. "I won't, Suzaku. This doesn't work on me."

"I said-" Suzaku stopped. He really just wanted to go and punch something now. Or run away, away from Gino, this stifling room, and this stupid parody that was his life. However, if Lelouch had taught him one thing, then it was this: the more you tried to flee, the more shit hit the fan. "Fine, say what you need to say, Gino."

Gino nodded. "Just admit that all the time you've been together now, that - even if you try to pretend that he's just your friend - you sometimes catch yourself thinking how _tight and hot_he felt when you fucked him. And -" Gino's voice was huskier now, dangerous, "You'd love to do it again. Because, though it only lasted so briefly, he felt great, didn't he?"

"_Gino_ ..." Suzaku started, his eyes narrowing and his mouth drawn to a thin line.

"What, am I being too honest for you?" Gino said, suddenly sounding bitter. "I'm just talking out of experience, you know? Trying to force people and relationships into illusions, playing pretend and avoiding reality, just never works."

_But the illusions are nice_, Suzaku thought, and, yes, he was being childish, but Gino had no right to crush his hopes like that. "Yesterday, was the first time it didn't feel wrong to be with Lelouch."

"I know you think it feels good _now,_" Gino's voice was solemn, "but the truth is that, as long as you both pretend _that night_ never happened, it's still just going to be a strained, pathetic parody of a relationship that lives more in the past than the present … and I'm sure you don't want that, do you? You want it to be _real_, right?"

"I can't just -" Suzaku stopped. What did Gino expect him to do? Confront Lelouch? Kiss him? Certainly not to sex him up?

Gino nearly laughed. "I'm not saying you should try to sex him up. Just that you should come clean about that night. What it meant to him. To you." Gino sighed. "I don't mean the humiliation or the fact it's fucked up. But beyond that -"

_Beyond that?_ Did Gino really think - earnestly believe - that he and Lelouch had a future of sorts? Sure. _That_ was a certain possibility. And he was Mahatma Gandhi.

"He told me that we were still friends. Despite _that night_. Even if he wasn't fine or alright with it." And for Suzaku that was enough, or so he convinced himself.

"Did he say why?"

"He didn't want to talk about it." And Suzaku realised that he didn't want to talk about it, either. And he rose from the bed, realising that he was kind of thirsty. "Look Gino, I'm glad that I can finally call Lelouch a friend again. I don't want to jeopardise my relationship with him."

But Gino wasn't letting him off the hook that easily. "See, that's why you should talk to him! Especially if you want to be friends with him," Gino paused. "Friends should be open with each other; you know that as well as I do, Suzaku."

Suzaku wanted to deny it, say something like 'what the fuck do you know, Gino?', but he had a valid point there. Because, if he thought about it, no matter how much he hated Gino's invasion of his personal space, the way he was so annoyingly perceptive at times, he couldn't deny that he and Gino talked about everything (well, Gino did).

And that was something he wanted to be able to do with Lelouch as well.

_(Like they'd done before.)_

...

Later that evening, Suzaku marched into the backroom of the porn store with a heavy heart - his chest hurt, and he took a deep breath as he took the final steps towards that place. But he'd made a decision and wasn't going to back off now.

"We should talk," Suzaku started abruptly, not even bothering with the usual formalities ('_you know something has been bothering me_' or '_don't you sometimes get the feeling that_…?')

Lelouch didn't even have to ask about _what.__ He'd known from _the moment he'd seen Suzaku enter the backroom with the look of a man about to be executed. And, well, he wasn't really keen on talking.

"Shouldn't you be in front of the counter, in case a customer comes in?" The moment he said it, Lelouch knew this wasn't going to work because Suzaku, he recalled, was _stubborn_.

"There's a bell on the door. If someone does come in, I'll be over there in a jiffy," Suzaku replied, smiling - but it was a strained smile, which left his face as soon as he remembered what his objective was. "So, to come back to..."

"I thought I said it didn't bother me." Lelouch frowned and clamped the notebook he'd been writing in shut. "Suzaku, I said that it doesn't change the fact that I still consider you my friend. It doesn't change anything." Lelouch sighed heavily, and rubbed his temples; he could already feel his head throbbing. Lack of sleep and those _constant_ discussions on whether things had changed or not were really taking their toll on him.

Suzaku knew that Lelouch was irritated - it was all there in the way he was shooting death glares at him and massaging his temples. Under usual circumstances, Suzaku would have let it go, maybe teased Lelouch a bit (_loosen up, Lelouch - you're so stiff!_). But not right now. Not now.

"But it does change things. More for you than for me, probably," Suzaku paused, he really didn't know how to phrase this, but it didn't matter - he had to say this,"But even I…can't really sleep well with the fact -it's just even when I'm here with you like this, I can't quite _forget_."

No, it wasn't like Gino had said - sure, he did remember_(the tight heat, how good it had felt to slide into Lelouch)_ - but more than the sex, Suzaku just needed to know what Lelouch thought about it, whether it hadn't broken things between them. And he just wanted that awkwardness - that weird tension standing between them - to disappear.

A sigh escaped Lelouch's lips, and he placed his hands on the desk, needing to hold onto something. _Stupid Suzaku_. "You should forget, Suzaku. Just stop thinking about it."

Suzaku flinched slightly at the sharp tone in Lelouch's voice, but he wasn't going to shrink back. No matter how much those violet eyes were warning him to back off. "Did you already - I mean, no, you probably- I couldn't imagine that you'd forget," Suzaku said and looked at Lelouch, not afraid of the fierce emotion shimmering in those eyes. "You can't forget either, can you?"

Lelouch swallowed. "_No_. Every time I see your face, every time you _touch _me, I remember _it._"

At that, Suzaku's heart sank just a bit, and he felt stupid too - what had he been expecting actually?

More than that though, he was confused. Just really confused.

"And yet you let me sleep in the same bed - even though a few weeks ago, you said you never wanted to see me again_,_" Suzaku immediately found himself saying, and his throat was going dry. Then, quietly, he added, "Why would you do that if…you can't forget?"

God, Suzaku really never gave up. Lelouch had to keep himself from rolling his eyes. "Because I do trust you, Suzaku. I meant that, okay?" Lelouch looked away, suddenly hating that those green _(stupid)_ eyes were so expressive. "Because no matter if you fucked me cruelly that night or made it hurt, the lo- the fact that you are my childhood friend overshadows everything else."

"Wait." Suzaku was suddenly too close. "You said something before 'the fact'".

"I - _shut up_!" Suzaku eyes widened when he realised that Lelouch's cheeks were reddening. Not very noticeably, but he wasn't as pale as usual. And normally, the bright light in this backroom accentuated his paleness, but now they revealed a glimpse of slight pink on those cheeks.

Lelouch was gritting his teeth. "Gosh, stop staring at me, you _idiot_ and just forget about it!"

"No, you wanted to say '_love_'." Suzaku saw how Lelouch's eyes widened and then blazed with emotion - saw it all there confirmed in those eyes: despair, anger, frustration, but stronger than anything else - something he'd seen flickering there before, when Lelouch had told him he could never hate him.

And Suzaku – the drumming of his heart so loud he swore he could hear the sound ringing in his ears - grabbed Lelouch's wrist. He needed to hold on, needed to know that he wasn't hallucinating. "Lelouch-"

Lelouch rolled his eyes; Suzaku was gripping him way too tightly. "You're an idiot, Suzaku. _Let go._You're hurting me._"_

Suzaku did let go of Lelouch's wrist but didn't move away. "Do you love me, Lelouch? I mean -" He was babbling now, he knew that but then just being good at sex didn't mean that Suzaku was used to having someone love him.

Lelouch laughed. Once. Then a second time. "What do you want me to tell you, Suzaku? You want to hear a heart-felt confession of love and how, maybe - deep down - I always wanted you to fuck me? Would that," he looked at Suzaku in disgust now, his eyes narrowing dangerously, "make you feel better?"

Because if that was it then Suzaku could walk out of the door right now. Lelouch had no time for people who just wanted to feel better for themselves.

"No, it wouldn't, but I -" Suzaku bit his bottom lip, and averted his eyes. "The truth. I just want the truth."

"_Why_?"

Suzaku looked at Lelouch again. "Because I care, Lelouch." He said it with all the determination he could muster, hoping it would make Lelouch realise he was being serious. "I really care."

And Suzaku did. Lelouch was certain of it now - could see it in Suzaku's eyes. Well, if that was the case, then Lelouch had no reason to hold back.

"_I love you_ and I _hate_ you, Suzaku," Lelouch said, "Hate you because you've become a p_orn star._ When," he laughed again at this, "back as a teenager you used to be so concerned about morals. God, I remember our debates..." Lelouch trailed off, smiling in a way that was both nostalgic and wistful.

"And yet I love you because when you smile - really smile - it's so disgustingly open and makes me think that everything is going to be fine. Or," Lelouch was calming down now, his eyes no longer blazing but turning solemn, "because you're so cute when you're confused and, though you pity yourself, when you're sorry for something you really are and will do anything in your power to make up for it." Lelouch shook his head. "I hate that you're kind, even though you're selfish and, though you get angry easily and sometimes don't forgive, I love that you're fiercely loyal - _damnit it, Suzaku."_

"I don't think I've_-"_Suzaku didn't want to say. His heart was beating wildly against his ribcage and a thousand thoughts were shooting through his brain: all an incoherent, confused tangle of regrets and a million and one questions.

"I hated it when you took my virginity- I still can't think about it without feeling nauseous," Lelouch continued and, though he wanted to look away, kept his gaze trained on Suzaku's face. "Hated it because you didn't look at me once, treated me like an object. But what I hated more than that was the fact that I'd allowed my stupidity to reach such lengths."

"I was-" Suzaku started slowly but stopped. He wanted to hear what Lelouch had to say.

"At fault, yes. But so was I, _Suzaku._" It was hard for Lelouch to admit the rest. "But maybe I'm even grateful to you."

Suzaku's mouth opened as wide as a fish's and he only let out a, "_Huh_?"

"When you…" Lelouch swallowed audibly, and a flush settled over his cheeks, "entered me in front of those lights and cameras, you made me realise just how far I'd fallen. How close I'd come to pitying myself. My…tarnished virtue is the price I had to pay for finally finding the right track in life."

Suzaku shouldn't have chuckled, but he did. "_Tarnished virtue?_ God, Lelouch - you are always so dramatic."

"I am glad," Lelouch said through gritted teeth, "that you think it's so funny. But, of course, you wouldn't understand what it means to be a virgin one day and to lose it the way I did on the other."

"No, not really," Suzaku replied, feeling his throat getting tighter again,"Sex is nothing but, well, work. There's really nothing special about it anymore – not for me."

"And yet you're making a big deal out of the fact that we had sex. Not just now. But even before you knew _who_ I was." Lelouch shook his head, a small smile playing on his lips.

"That's because-" Suzaku hesitated. He didn't have to finish this. He knew Lelouch would and that was exactly what happened – and, as always, he hit the nail right on its proverbial head (and Suzaku wished he really hadn't).

It was even worse that there was a wistful, all too wise smile on his face. "I wasn't one of those stupid dolls that just spread their legs for you, right?"

Suzaku felt the bile coming to his throat - a heavy lump that he felt he could never get rid enough of. "No, you were fierce and acted like a prince." And Suzaku realised that, had he not been that mad, had he not been so intent on shutting him up, he really would have done it slowly - taken his time to see just how far you had to tease before Lelouch's wall of defences crumbled and he surrendered.

Lelouch shrugged his shoulders. "I was just too - ah well." _Stupid_ was one way to word it, _reckless _another.

Suzaku's hands were caressing his cheek gently now and Lelouch didn't push that hand away. "I was really rough towards you. I'm sorry."

"You were," Lelouch said. But his tone wasn't too angry, just a bit spiteful and - most prominent of all - _sad_.

"Lelouch -" Suzaku knew he was breathless, knew that his heart was beating feverishly against his chest and, moreover, he knew that he really, really just wanted to do one thing now. And it both excited and frightened him.

"What?" Suzaku was leaning closer, and Lelouch should have moved away, but he didn't.

"Can I kiss you?"

Lelouch's eyes widened slightly but not in shock or mortification. Just slight surprise.

"Now? _Here_?" Because they were still at the store, where a customer could show up any minute and, besides, Lelouch did have some accounting to do. Important stuff. More important than locking lips with Suzaku.

"Just say 'yes' or 'no'." Suzaku didn't know what was going on, didn't know what the hell he was thinking and knew that it was ridiculous. Of course, Lelouch wouldn't -

_(Not after what he'd done. Genbu Kururugi had always told him that, once you lost an opportunity, you lost it forever.)_

"...Do it then. Before you die of an aneurysm."

"I thought-" Suzaku stopped. Suddenly, he felt stupid. "Forget, I shouldn't have asked."

Lelouch rolled his eyes again (a habit he seemed to develop a lot around Suzaku, as of late). Did Suzaku want to kiss him or not? Fine, _he_ would just go for it then.

Suzaku lips were against his - _soft and warm_ and Suzaku's brain exploded. Lelouch's hands were in his hair, and he had closed his eyes. And, though his mind had come to a standstill and his body was rooted to the spot, Suzaku knew that Lelouch was kissing him, actually _kissing_him.

And it felt amazing.

It was clumsy, though. Lelouch was just pressing his lips against Suzaku's - not doing much else. And he could feel how Lelouch was slightly shuddering, especially when Suzaku ran a hand through his cheek.

Could it be his _first_ kiss?

A familiar feeling of regret grabbed hold of Suzaku's body - if this was Lelouch's first kiss, then - _God, I've really fucked things up_.

But then, maybe, he could at least do this right, and Suzaku - not thinking now, just acting on instinct (though it had been ages since he'd last kissed someone) - nibbled gently against Lelouch's lower lip and pulled him closer, until they were chest to chest, nose brushing against nose.

And then their lips were touching, and Suzaku felt jolts of excitement running through his body when Lelouch _reciprocated_ - still clumsily, his hands now flying to Suzaku's hair, then falling down to his shoulder - his fingernails gripping into Suzaku's clothes as they kissed (slowly, just exploring each other -).

Suzaku felt slightly dizzy when he broke the kiss. "That- can I do it again?"

"Mmm - yes," Lelouch said, his voice a bit hoarse as he, absentmindedly, licked his lips.

Suzaku chuckled a bit before leaning in to kiss Lelouch; he was surprisingly…_accommodating_. Yes, that was the right word.

Then the doorbell rang, and Lelouch pushed him away, his eyes wide and a little bewildered. "That's why you shouldn't be," he was red in the face, and sounded more indignant than anything else, "doing _those things_ here."

Suzaku stood there, dumb-founded for a moment, and Lelouch - obviously the more practical of the two - pushed him out of the room, muttering something about 'if you want to continue working here, stop acting like a brain-dead zombie'.

By the time, he'd reached the customer, Suzaku was smiling, and Rivalz would later remark that this specific customer would always ask about that friendly young man with the 'gorgeous green eyes and winsome smile'.

...


	4. Chapter 4

**Warning(s)**: smut, of the more awkward kind. Talking, _lots_ of talking. Conspicuously _less_ brackets. One _Buffy_ quote, which I think no one will recognise cause all the cool kids are into _Supernatural_ these days.

**Author's Notes**: Pigs _do_ fly? And Joss Whedon is a God.

Seriously, I should hate this chapter; it went through some pesky rewrites, fleshing out and then cutting out, but I _don't_. So, now that this is over and done with (and it feels good to say this), I'd like to thank everyone who faved, alerted and reviewed this.

All feedback is appreciated. No, really, _it is_.

...

After the kiss, Lelouch had been less restrained around him, even inviting him over for the night again, but Suzaku had declined, saying something about annoying roommates getting suspicious (not a total lie).

But, suspicious roommate aside, Suzaku just didn't want to ruin the newest developments in their relationship.

_Relationship. _That word made Suzaku pause in his steps, and he leaned his hand against the door. A strange feeling rolled down his back, warm and giddy - the sort you experienced after a roller coaster ride. But less nauseating, less churning of the stomach. He wasn't going to refer to them as 'butterflies' or 'fireflies', but they made him happy, and Suzaku couldn't quite wipe off the smile that was forming on his face.

But, as soon as he opened the door, the smile faded because there, right in the living room, sprawled out on the sofa with a bag of chips in his hand, was Gino, smiling _knowingly_.

Damn bastard. Had he been _waiting_ here for Suzaku all this time?

There was no blaring of the radio, no sounds coming from the television set, and Gino - Suzaku knew - wasn't the type to read books (reading the sports column of the daily newspapers didn't count, _damn it!_)

But still, Suzaku reasoned that it had to be his imagination. He was just tired - his head feeling so dizzy and heavy that his surroundings were spinning to and fro (had the walls always sparked so much?). Suzaku decided that Gino couldn't be suspecting anything because, though he was a lot of things, he certainly wasn't a detective.

So, Suzaku put on his best poker face and said, "Hey." A 'hey' indicated nothing special, was something you said for all occasions, and there was no way Gino would -

"Hey, you and Lelouch have made progress," Gino said, a leery smile on his face as he gave Suzaku a thumbs up. _Again. _

_Damnit_. Suzaku gritted his teeth as he placed his shoes into the corner - neatly and orderly, like Lelouch always did - and walked into the living room. Was this man a psychic or what?

"Nothing happened." Suzaku fixed Gino with a death glare as he sat down on the sofa, kicking Gino's legs out of the way. Space, he needed _space_. "So stop talking rubbish."

"Yeah sure. And pigs fly," Gino said as he threw the empty bag of chips into the dustbin in the corner, grinning when it landed right inside. "Come on, you're not fooling me, Suzaku. If nothing had happened, you wouldn't have been grinning like an idiot the moment you walked in."

Suzaku rose an eyebrow. _That_ was Gino's reasoning? He crossed his arms and_ hmphed_. "You know, I could just be in a _good mood_." Because people had those occasionally.

"Yeah, let me see," Gino said, nodding and shifting so that his elbow was supporting his head. He was staring Suzaku right in the eye. "You come home smiling like a besotted schoolboy right after work." He grinned. "Incidentally, where Lelouch works too, whom you might or might not be rather fond of and have a rather interesting history with …" Gino paused while Suzaku thought of the apartment's various emergency exits: there was the window, the -

"_Oh come on_. It's really not that unreasonable assume that you and Lelouch did something! And you don't have to think of running away, man."

"I give up," Suzaku said, knowing that Gino would be on his heels for the next twenty-four hours otherwise. "Fine, something _did_ happen." And he started pointedly at Gino who was smiling a little too triumphantly.

One point Gino, zero for Suzaku.

"So it was all very dramatic, I guess?" Gino chuckled, his eyes shining as if he'd won in the lottery. "All Gone With The Wind, with the rising music and - _you know_."

"No fireworks, we just kissed." Suzaku merely sighed as he tried to close his eyes. Maybe Gino would just shut up if he wasn't cooperative. Gosh, he was _exhausted_. Not just from the job, but all the things that had happened. "Can't we talk about this tomorrow?"

"You mean you cracked and finally had your way -"

Suzaku glared at Gino, his voice taking on an unpleasant note. "So _that's_ what you think of me? After all the shit that's happened, you think I'd attack him like that?"

And because Suzaku's eyes had darkened rather considerably and he was clenching his fist, Gino stopped smiling stupidly. "That was a joke."

"A _bad_ one," Suzaku replied and let his fist relax. "If you want to talk about this seriously, then don't treat it like some sort of - just don't say those things anymore."

"Tell me what really happened then."

It was silent for a while, Suzaku still fuming a bit, the mere hint of his being capable of doing something so abominable pricking at his conscience. Suzaku sighed as he looked at his friend, noticing that he wasn't grinning anymore, his face bearing an expression that bordered on being wistful.

Somewhere a clock was ticking, and he could hear his own hurried breathing; there was no point in being angry, especially when Gino was sorry - he could see it in the slight slump of his shoulders.

"We talked for a long time and…well, I asked him if I could kiss him and he -" Suzaku hesitated for a moment, not quite sure how to phrase this.

"Punched you?" Gino laughter took on a nervous note and died down when Suzaku shot him another death glare. "Okay, sorry, sorry. I get the drift - no more jokes." He gave Suzaku a solemn smile. "Promise, okay?"

"That would be nice, yes," Suzaku said, and, taking a deep breath, added, "Lelouch was just surprised and then…kissed me."

Gino's eyes widened, and his mouth fell open. "Wait. _He_ kissed _you - _he actually kissed you first?"

"Yeah." Part of Suzaku still couldn't believe it, couldn't believe that it would have been Lelouch who'd kiss him _first, _making that vital move towards a path that Suzaku wanted to follow so much. "Before that he told me that he loved me."

(And hated him too, but Gino didn't need to know _that_).

"So you kissed. _Interesting_. I mean, how you go from practically screwing him against his will to having _him _kiss _you_ and confessing is…just wow." A beat, and Gino's voice grew serious, thoughtful. "What do you actually intend to do now? I mean, this is kind of, _you know_…"

Suzaku let out another sigh and just shrugged his shoulders. "I don't really know. I just know that…well, I can't continue the way I have till now." He couldn't continue working as a porn star, not when he and Lelouch - "Look, this is rather complicated."

"You know, it's rather easy at this point," Gino said and shook his head. "In fact, it's so glaringly obvious what you should do that I'm surprised you're confused about it."

"What exactly is _easy_ about this, Gino?" Suzaku knew he sounded angry, but this, certainly, had to be the joke of the century. "Don't forget, even if we ignore the part where I hurt him, that he's still a student, while I work in the porn industry. And that, no matter how you look at it, I'd probably just end up being a burden."

Gino thought about it for a second, knowing he'd have to weigh his next words carefully. "Lelouch seems to really, really like you. And that's good. You've got to hold onto good things." Gino let out another sigh. "Don't let go of him." Gino paused, looking at Suzaku meaningfully, and then said, "Really, don't - especially not when he says he loves you."

"I...don't intend to Gino, but will you just let me rest for a bit? I just need to think." Suzaku leaned back against the sofa, closing his eyes and trying to make sense of all the confusing and contradictory thoughts coursing through his head.

…

School was always an annoying chore. The lessons were boring, and the students even more so. Lelouch really didn't understand how people his age could be so shallow and stupid. If it wasn't sex, then it was bands, and if it wasn't that, then it was partying.

_Stupid. _And, yet, something to envy.

Because, as Lelouch looked at two boys dressed in baggy pants, trading basketball cards, he knew that neither of them knew the taste of defeat (_had never been in shady bars, gambled with corrupt criminals or been recruited to work for the porn industry)._

Lelouch rubbed his temple. The return to school had only made him more sentimental.

But that was hardly the worst. The job at the porn store was taking its toll on Lelouch, and he was always tired - sometimes so much that the world spiralled out of focus when he walked to school in the mornings, and his vision went a bit blurry (but he still managed to walk on, his legs not turning to lead) .

He managed to catch up on sleep during class, much to Rivalz's amusement and Shirley's concern. She kept worrying that he'd infuriate the teachers. Which, of course, was a legitimate reason for concern, but Lelouch never got into trouble. His teachers knew that that they could count on him when needed.

Sometimes, he wondered whether it wouldn't have been better to just graduate early (_it'd arouse too much suspicion_, _Lelouch, _his mother had said when they'd come here, running her hands over his cheek, _and you can make friends of your age like this, too). _But then again, he had promised his mother.

This was the last thing he could do for her.

"What are you thinking of, Lulu?" Shirley was leaning over him, concern in her eyes and Lelouch sighed.

"Nothing in particular."

"You look…tired." Shirley was too good at reading him, Lelouch thought, and nausea rolled within his stomach. Recently, whenever they talked, there was always that look of expectation in her eyes.

"Just the job – don't worry about it," Lelouch replied and gave her his warmest (fake) smile. A flicker of disappointment showed itself on her face – sadness too – but Shirley was smiling soon again as if nothing had happened. As if he hadn't pushed her away yet again.

...

Rivalz was looking at Shirley's departing form with a cross between concern and mild amusement. And Lelouch rolled his eyes, lips curling to a frown – he knew what was coming next. "I do wonder why you don't consider dating her."

_Just as predicted_, Lelouch thought and rolled his eyes again. "I told you before that I'm not interested." He had, at least fifty times. Was it that hard to get a hint?

"I know you care about her." Rivalz wasn't smiling any longer, a slight frown on his face. "It's not like you have to marry her, but I don't see what's wrong with going on a date once or twice with a nice girl like Shirley. Especially when you - you do like her, don't you?"

He couldn't lie to Rivalz about that. "I do. And it's because _I care_ that I don't want to - forget about it." It wasn't a total lie. He did like Shirley, might have considered taking her out if things had been different, if he'd not been the person he was right now. Nothing grand or special, just a movie or a picnic. Something that most teenagers did and, perhaps, more would have come out of it. Or, as was more often the case, nothing earth-shattering would have happened at all.

But because Lelouch was Lelouch, he knew that he'd better keep things as they were.

Rivalz sighed but didn't probe any deeper. "I do wonder about that Suzaku guy."

"What about him?" Though surprised, Lelouch tried his best not to betray it, schooling his expression into his best impersonation of 'why are you talking about that bloke, mate?'.

"Well, my uncle told me yesterday that he's signed up for more hours."

"And?" Because asking 'what' would betray too much interest, Lelouch thought.

"I guess this means he's quit his -" Rivalz looked around the school grounds filled with laughing, bragging boys and giggling girls and lowered his voice, "his other job. Or is considering it. Either way, it's a shame...partly. But then..." Rivalz shook his head and his tone returned to normal,"I guess it's better. I never realised how _young _he was until I saw him in person."

"He's twenty-one." And Lelouch suddenly realised how wrong and fucked-up that really was -

_(Old enough to drink but too young to be dead inside. Too young for a slow, painful death. Still young enough to start college and to make up for past mistakes.)_

"Really?" Rivalz sounded a bit horrified, but Lelouch couldn't really blame him. "Geez, that's young. I guess I should consider this a warning sign and focus on getting into college then." Rivalz sounded genuinely worried, and Lelouch had to bite back a bitter laugh.

That night, when he'd gone to the porn studio and met Suzaku again, college had been one of the last things on his mind.

...

In another place, at the same hour, Lloyd Asplund was having a fit. "What do you mean you are quitting, Suzaku Kururugi?" He looked beside himself, as if he'd just found out that someone had run off with his favourite Transformer model.

Suzaku sighed. He had known that this wasn't going to be easy, but it was more cumbersome than he'd expected. "The contract is ending this month, and I knew -" Suzaku hesitated, biting his underlip. "I knew I said I had no intention of quitting, but things… have changed."

Changed so much that he couldn't believe there had ever been a time when he'd seriously considered never leaving this industry.

"I am really sorry," Suzaku continued, his voice pained. Because a part of him _was _sorry, especially because Lloyd had never inquired into his past, had taken him under his wing when Suzaku had been found roaming about the streets helplessly some four years ago. Even if Suzaku hated what all this had led to, he could never be so ungracious and ungrateful as to forget. "I am grateful for what you did for me, I just can't do this anymore."

Suzaku remained still, his brain recalling.

...

_Suzaku shivered as he walked into the room, his mind not quite certain why he was here. Well, he'd heard Milly say something about recruiting porn stars, but he'd thought she'd been joking. Even when she'd asked if he was really eighteen, Suzaku had just brushed it off as some bad joke. _

_But, right now, when he saw those cameras and the satin sheets, Suzaku's stomach churned. The part of him that was still enough of the old Suzaku Kururugi felt like dashing out of the room or exploding into a lecture of how sick and revolting this was. _

_Seated on the bed was a guy with blond hair, around his age and with a smile on his face that didn't quite fit the surroundings. He was only dressed in black briefs, and that could only mean that he was expected to -_

_Suzaku wasn't a virgin, had gone through his first relationship and the usual baggage back in Japan, but this - his heart lurched. _

_Sex like this - Sex was supposed to be about love, or, if not that, at least because you wanted someone, and they wanted you back. _

_Not something you sold yourself or paid for._

_But his father had done it. Genbu Kururugi had dirtied his hands with such things, and Suzaku - even if he still loved his father, part of him always would - didn't want to be clean anymore either, wanted to forget._

_(Die piece by piece, till nothing was left.)_

"_So are you ready?" A green-haired woman asked, and Suzaku, though his head was yelling 'no, no', said 'yes' and walked towards the bed._

_..._

"You can't just -"

Cecile shut Lloyd up. "It's good that you've found something else, Suzaku." And she was smiling warmly at him, in a way that made Suzaku realise she meant it. "You're young still. You shouldn't spend the rest of your life working in this industry."

She turned to look at Lloyd, her voice stern as she said, "Don't you agree, Lloyd - don't you think it's good that Suzaku has finally found something else to live for?"

Suzaku's eyes widened at that. He felt a shiver rustle down his spine because he'd never seen Lloyd look like this - so emotional, _so human_.

"I guess so, though I won't find anyone else to replace you, Kururugi. No one moved as symmetrically and beautifully as you did," Lloyd said, his voice genuinely regretful. His shoulders fell, and he sighed. "Since the contract is expiring, I can't keep you here."

Suzaku nodded. "Thank you."

…

Suzaku was in the kitchen, preparing tea when Gino returned. "So you really did quit."

"Who told you?" Suzaku asked, pausing.

"Cecile."

"Now, don't tell me it was a bad idea."

Gino laughed. "Why would I? I'm probably going to quit myself soon."

"You? Why? I thought you liked working -"

Gino sighed loudly. "I did. I still do. But," he scratched his head as he laughed nervously, "I kind of…well, I think I'm getting a bit too old for this."

"Right," Suzaku said, blinking. "Because being in your twenties makes you a Grandpa - we should call the undertaker soon."

"No, I mean it," Gino said, his voice taking on that serious tone again, which made Suzaku stop trying to brew tea altogether and really look at him.

"I met this gorgeous woman. Really perfect," Gino started, his eyes bright and happy."Fierce. Passionate. With a strong grip too!"

"When?" Suzaku knew he sounded bewildered, but he'd never heard Gino sound so … lovestruck. Something was a bit fishy here.

"Half a year ago? Kallen and I met at a - well, we ran into each other, and -" Gino laughed. "She's amazing, totally amazing. A strong, independent policewoman -"

"_A policewoman_?" Suzaku had to pause for a bit and digest that. Not only was Gino seeing a policewoman named Kallen, but he'd been doing so for _months_. It was strange, but the thought that he hadn't known until now stung.

Especially when it seemed to be such a huge thing to Gino, especially when his eyes lit up that way when he talked about this woman. Quietly, Suzaku asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"

Something vulnerable and sad flashed through Gino's eyes. "You never seemed to care. About me...as a person. I would have told you, but - I don't know. I don't think you'd have listened." He sighed then. "Don't take offence, Suzaku. Really, don't. But until Lelouch, you…just…I don't know…sometimes I wondered whether you cared about anything at all."

Suzaku could have been angry, should have been, perhaps, because Gino - a man he did consider a good friend, his best friend even - hadn't told him everything. But then, he was right. He'd been distant.

"Do you love her?" Perhaps, a stupid question, but Suzaku wanted to know.

The way Gino smiled - not his usual grin or that playful 'I know what you're up to' smile - told Suzaku everything. "I am planning to propose, in fact." He flushed then, something so uncharacteristic for him that Suzaku just stared at him. "I know marriage is a bit…strange, I guess, but Kallen really accepted me the way I am, even if she knows what I did, um - still do - and -"

"So you're giving up your career for her?"

"Not entirely, Suzaku. I didn't want to be a producer of porn films my entire life…and, yes, I admit I don't want Kallen telling people that her husband-to-be works for the porn industry. It's a bit -"

Suzaku understood. It wasn't like he exactly announced his job to everyone out there either. "You know that's going to mean quite a cut in budget, yes?" Suzaku started carefully, still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Gino - someone who'd always been rather outspoken in his love for casual sex - was in a serious relationship and thinking of settling down.

"Oh yes. It'll be tight. But I'll manage, somehow. It'll be difficult with the apartment though. She earns quite decently, and I do have money stored in the bank, but you know how it is with apartments..." Gino trailed off and shook his head. "Don't want to bore you with all that, Suzaku. Besides, your tea is getting cold."

And he walked into the living room, clearly expecting Suzaku to forget about this conversation, but Suzaku didn't.

...

For once, Lelouch was not there when Suzaku entered the store. He frowned. "Where is Lelouch, Rivalz?" he asked, after he'd returned to his usual spot.

Rivalz was tapping a pen against the counter, only stopping for a minute to look at Suzaku and roll his eyes. "Lelouch really is an idiot sometimes - overworking himself to the point of utter _exhaustion_." He went back to tapping his pen, ignoring the look of surprise that crossed over Suzaku's features.

"What happened?"

"He collapsed during," Rivalz shook his head at that and then grinned, "gym class. I took him home, told him to get some rest and forget about working today."

_Gym clas_s. Suzaku could only shake his head at that. He knew how much Lelouch detested any kind of strenuous physical activity. And 'detested' was a rather mild word in this case. "What did you guys play? Football?" Suzaku did recall one instance when Lelouch, usually above showing any kind of tantrums, had been throwing a regular fit after playing football with him.

"Basketball. Lelouch mentioned that he was feeling sick, but - well, we recently got a new teacher," Rivalz flinched, thinking of Jeremiah Gottwald and his ardent passion for sports, 'And he insists that _everyone _play along. No exceptions allowed. Unless you are terminally ill or something."

Suzaku shook his head. Lelouch might have possessed a weak stamina, but he certainly wasn't terminally ill. "I bet he wasn't too happy about that."

"No, he actually looked like he wanted to kill the teacher on the spot. But Lelouch had no choice but to play along. He_ needs _those credits, after all." Rivalz shrugged his shoulders, that amused grin still on his face. "And I don't think he wants to stay in high school longer because of P.E, of all things."

"I see. I don't think anything else could ever convince Lelouch to voluntarily play basketball." Not even an approaching apocalypse. "He only does things he hates if there's a profit or benefit." Suzaku smiled, shaking his head. "He's always been stubborn like that."

Rivalz cocked his head to the side at that, a wondrous expression on his face. For a minute, Suzaku wondered if he'd said the wrong thing. But Rivalz wasn't frowning, just looking like a person who had just glimpsed something shiny. He was grinning. "Say, do you - ah, never mind."

"No, feel free to ask." Suzaku shrugged his shoulders. "I don't bite." _Unless you want me to_, Suzaku felt like adding, but that was hardly fitting here.

"Do you know Lelouch from somewhere before?" Rivalz rubbed his neck. "It's just that if you say he's always been so stubborn -" He waved his hand, as if realising that he sounded too suspicious. "Don't worry, I won't pry. I know Lelouch has things he doesn't like talking about." Rivalz's voice was gentle and accepting, making Suzaku realise instantly why Lelouch had allowed him to get as close as he was.

Suzaku shrugged. "Yes, we're childhood friends." He could share that much. He was certain Lelouch wouldn't mind.

"Then, you could drop by to his place now and -" Rivalz took out a few sheets and a book, "give him these. He always says he doesn't care about grades," Rivalz's voice dropped to a whisper, "but I know he's rather anal about doing his homework. Besides, if he does those, I can copy them from him tomorrow."

"But, wait, what about the store?" Suzaku knew why Rivalz was giving him those, but…

Rivalz sighed. "Look, if I work here alone for one night, nothing horrible will happen. Besides, I think with _you_ going, Lelouch might not be tempted to come back to work today."

…

Guests were rarely welcome in Lelouch's opinion, but that night, he was even less favourably disposed towards them when someone knocked on the door. Before opening it, Lelouch was resolved to look as displeased as possible - anything to make clear that, yes, he was annoyed. _Very annoyed_, indeed. "Rivalz, I won't be coming to work today, okay? No need to check up on -"

Lelouch's eyes widened when he saw Suzaku, and he shook his head - so Rivalz had sent a watchdog after him. _Bloody fantastic_, he thought, but his features softened when he saw Suzaku frown. "I'm sorry. I just thought that - Rivalz told me not to come to work today, though I actually had every intention of doing so." Indeed, Lelouch had fully planned to show up there today, despite Rivalz's protests, but, now, with Suzaku here he could hardly do that anymore, could he?

_Because Suzaku wouldn't let me_, Lelouch thought as he watched Suzaku take off his shoes. He was doing it a bit too quickly, and Lelouch rolled his eyes when Suzaku placed his trainers - not so neatly - next to the row of shoes.

"What did he threaten you with that you didn't go to work today?"

"He kept mentioning Shirley and why I wouldn't date her." Lelouch sighed. He didn't add that Rivalz had, once again, been teasing him about his 'virginity' as well. Which both Lelouch and Suzaku knew quite well wasn't - Lelouch was glad when Suzaku interrupted _that_ thread of thought.

"Shirley? Are you and her – I mean is she…?" Suzaku sounded like he didn't quite want to know.

"A friend. Nothing _but _a friend." Lelouch gritted his teeth, odious reminders of how good a girlfriend - Rivalz's words - she'd make whirling in his mind.

"It wouldn't be bad for you to…um, date." Wasn't it normal for seventeen-year-old boys to date? Even if Lelouch was far from being your usual seventeen-year-old, and Suzaku rather didn't like the thought of him dating someone else _(the green, ugly gremlin was rearing its head)._

"Not _you _too, Suzaku." There was a warning note in Lelouch's voice, but Suzaku didn't feel intimidated in the least. If anything, Lelouch was rather _cute _when he pouted like that.

"But Lelouch, it's good for a boy to have experiences, unless you want to die a vir-" Suzaku clapped his mouth shut at that moment, realising too late just what he'd been about to spurt out, and a 'am I an _idiot_' look was forming on his features.

That thought was running through Lelouch's head too because his mouth had tightened to a thin line, and he was folding his arms. "Suzaku, just _shut up_." He huffed audibly.

Guilt arose in Suzaku immediately - _stupid, stupid, stupid_. "I'm sorry."

"And stop apologising all the time." Lelouch sighed, leaning against the wall –- his head was throbbing. "Just tell me what brought you here instead."

"Rivalz told me what happened." Suzaku hesitated. "I think you're taking the wrong path again - overworking yourself."

"Tell me, Suzaku - what _other choice_ do I have?" Money didn't grow on trees, and it wasn't like he could go back to trying to work as a porn star. Damnit.

"The rest of your family can't help...?" Suzaku asked carefully, knowing fully well how much Lelouch hated them. "Maybe things have changed?"

"Suzaku, _you idiot_. You know I'd rather become a masked terrorist than ask the rest of my family for help," he said in a clipped tone, ignoring the way Suzaku flinched (it was his fucking fault for bringing his 'family' up). "Besides, I bet they're too busy exploiting others."

Actually, he had no idea what the rest were doing - especially Schneizel. He curled his hand to a fist when he thought of that bastard. "When my father fell, none who could have helped even moved a finger - _none of them." _Lelouch snorted_. "_I'd rather rely on myself, thank you very much."

"Okay, but -" Suzaku took a deep breath and fixed Lelouch with a serious look. "You could rely on me, too. If you want to. I quit that job," Suzaku said, his voice firm. "I just couldn't do it anymore."

"I know." Lelouch smiled. "It's a good start. But, what else are you going to do from now on? Certainly you're not going to be working forever at a porn store." That would have hardly been much of a transition - going from working as a porn star to selling and renting videos at a porn store.

"Um," Suzaku laughed sheepishly, "I actually did a course in engineering." Noticing the slight surprise etched on Lelouch's face, he added, "I did one of those online courses. You just need to show up for the exams. I have been thinking to get a BA degree."

The surprise faded when Lelouch remembered that Suzaku had always had something of a soft spot for motorbikes. "Great, so you want to become a self-employed car mechanic or something?"

"Well, it's not like I'd land a job anywhere else, really. I mean what kind of employer would hire a former porn star?" Suzaku paused, looking thoughtful. "Though I don't think anyone would want their vehicles fixed by me either."

"_I _would." And it wasn't only because the thought of Suzaku wearing loose overalls seemed kind of appealing. Not at all. "Though I'd expect to pay nothing since family, friends or lovers should never pay for such services." He smirked, hoping Suzaku would catch on. "Of course, I'd make sure that you wouldn't have to pay for certain services either…like helping giving you a good head start."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I've got plans for the future. And they might be," he paused, running a hand through his hair awkwardly, "a bit shaky and indefinite right now, but I'll figure something out." Maybe, they'd figure something out together.

Suzaku looked at Lelouch, his gaze cautious, questioning. "Your plans involve me?"

He simply nodded, and then said, "They do. If you _want to _be part of them, if you'll help me realise them."

"Lelouch is this -" He swallowed. "A proposition?"

"You ask too many questions, Suzaku." He walked over to Suzaku _(his green eyes wide and confused)_ and trailed his hand against the other's cheek. "And, yes, it is a proposition. In more ways than one."

_Get a clue, you idiot. I'm not going to make any dramatic speeches in front of you._

Suzaku had never been good at handling emotions. Either he was entirely consumed by them or, when he chose not to focus on them, he drove them away - only for them to come back with a vengeance. But he knew what to do now. "Can I kiss you now? I want do it, but if you don't want to..." Suzaku flushed and looked away.

"How adorable, Suzaku." Lelouch smiled - really smiled. "What did I just say? You ask too many questions. Just _do it_."

Suzaku chuckled now, suddenly feeling much more light-headed than he remembered having felt in years and shook his head. "Always the bratty prince, aren't we?"

Lelouch muttered something along the lines of "stupid dolt", but Suzaku chose to ignore it, as he dipped his head forward and captured Lelouch's lips in a kiss. It stared out gentle at first, Suzaku just wanting to explore the feel of Lelouch's lips. He ran his hands through Lelouch's hair then let them trail down to his shoulders before pulling him so close that they were actually holding on, keeping each other up.

This time, Lelouch was much more responsive, his hands all over Suzaku, as if he couldn't quite get enough - and his tongue was meeting Suzaku's now …

When he pulled away, his face was a bit flushed and his voice shaky. "Suzaku - wait, we're practically still in the - let's at least do _this _in the bedroom."

That made Suzaku's eyes widen, and his body tense immediately. "Lelouch -"

Lelouch sighed. "I admit I'm not…totally comfortable with this. But...I _trust _you." He gripped Suzaku's hand, his own hand trembling as much as Suzaku's and squeezed it. "I don't want that night to stand forever between us."

Suzaku just stood there, awkward all of a sudden, suddenly not knowing whether he should run or trust in Lelouch and just follow his lead.

"I don't want to dwell on the past forever. Let's fix what can be fixed." And he pulled Suzaku towards his bedroom.

...

"Should I turn off the lights?" Suzaku knew he was being stupid and, well, _stupid_, but he couldn't stop thinking that the bed looked rather imposing right now - and he gulped.

"Why?" Lelouch was about to roll his eyes but forced himself not to. No reason to make this whole thing even more awkward – Suzaku was already doing a splendid job on his own.

"So, um…_no reason_." Suzaku cleared his throat and fixed his eyes on the wall. He felt like an idiot, standing there with his back against the door, hands buried in his pockets, and eyes trained on the floor. "Ah, maybe we should do this later." He stopped talking and scratched the back of his head.

"_Suzaku_, just shut the fuck up and do something. _You're_ the _expert _here." Lelouch was gritting his teeth, his voice laced with the first signs of a slowly approaching storm. "_This_ shouldn't be something you should be so nervous about."

"Well, it's different when you're doing this with someone you care about." And it was. Because the first time round he'd pushed Lelouch down the bed, it hadn't been with any other motive than soothing his bruised ego. But this -_-_ this was not about egos, this was not about trying to prove a point. It was about bringing him and Lelouch closer together.

And when Suzaku realised that, such a feeling of warmth and affection rushed over him that he moved away from the doorway, walking over to Lelouch. His head was reeling, but it didn't matter. Suzaku just knew that he needed to do this now.

"I really, really," Suzaku just pulled Lelouch into an embrace, "_care_ about you." He ran his hands over Lelouch's back, just wrapping them around his waist and held him - a thousand thoughts rushing through his brain. None of them coherent, but all of them still connected - all centered on Lelouch, just Lelouch.

"You're warm, Suzaku. _So warm._" Suzaku was trembling, his hands shuddering a bit against Lelouch while he held on. And then Lelouch chuckled, "And I said I'm fine with this, didn't I?"

Suzaku looked at him, green eyes blazing with emotion, and Lelouch leaned forward to press his forehead against Suzaku's. "I love you, Suzaku." He kissed Suzaku briefly on the lips. "And I _want you_. God, don't make me spell it out for you."

It wasn't fair, Suzaku thought, how Lelouch always managed to sweep away his defences, how he always found just the right words that made him sway. He should have hated Lelouch for it, should have cursed his existence, but they'd danced around each other for too long, and Suzaku couldn't help but give in.

God, it was wonderful to kiss Lelouch like _this_, to feel him respond. Lelouch was aggressive now, his tongue pushing against Suzaku's, meeting and pulling back, only to meet again, each time more passionately than before. Before Suzaku realised it, he was being pushed against the wall, and they were grinding against each other, still kissing.

Suzaku's eyes snapped open. "Lelouch." His eyes fluttered shut again because Lelouch was kissing his neck, and his hand was trailing lower, lower. "_Ah_-"

"You like_ this_," Lelouch said, flushing a bit, but he sounded excited as he rubbed against Suzaku a bit more insistently before pressed his mouth against Suzaku's again. "Let's move to the bed, okay?"

Suzaku's brain didn't immediately register what Lelouch had just said, and, by time it _clicked_, they were already on the bed, and Lelouch was straddling him. "_Ah_ - Lelouch um, wait."

A frustrated sigh. "What _now_, Suzaku?" Lelouch's hands paused at Suzaku's jeans, and Lelouch nearly flushed. A beat. "Don't you like this?"

"What?" No -" Suzaku shook his head. "Lelouch – how could I not like _this_?" Grabbing hold of Lelouch's hand and squeezing it, Suzaku smiled. "I didn't expect you to be this…demanding, but I like it."

Lelouch heaved a sigh of relief. "I just know what I want, Suzaku."

"Then, do you want to be on top?" Suzaku didn't care about positions and figured that, considering their sexual history, it would even be better if Lelouch topped. "It would certainly be easier this way this time. You know - hurt you less." His throat went dry, and Suzaku tried not to think how much it must have _hur_t Lelouch that night. "I want this to be good for you."

"You're sweet, Suzaku," Lelouch rolled off Suzaku then and smiled warmly, looking at Suzaku while their fingers touched. "I admit…the prospect is intriguing, but tonight, I want you to do it."

Suzaku squeezed Lelouch's hand. "_Sure_?"

Maybe it was because Suzaku sounded so, so insecure still, but Lelouch returned the squeeze, liking how strong and warm Suzaku's hand felt. "Yes, sure."

"Okay," Suzaku started as he sat up. "We need -"

"Don't tell me we need to wait. Not after this sappy display." Lelouch rolled his eyes, sitting up as he pulled his shirt over his head and unzipped his jeans. Suzaku just glared at him. "_What_ Suzaku?"

"I was just going to ask you if you have lube. And whether you wanted to do it with…" Suzaku cleared his throat, "a condom. I'm clean, but I can use one if you want..." Suzaku shrugged his shoulders.

"Hand cream should be fine – drawer near the bed, first shelf. And I trust your word, so no condom is fine. It's not like I've slept around." And, suddenly, he seemed very aware of being shirtless, and Suzaku staring at him because Lelouch added, "You can start undressing too. Just what the hell are you waiting f—"

But he didn't finish because Suzaku leaned forward and captured his lips in a kiss. "Impatient. And bossy, as always."

Suzaku pulled his shirt over his head, tossing it on the floor before he moved closer again – but not to kiss Lelouch on the lips. Instead, he left a series of pecks on Lelouch's nose, then his cheeks before briefly touching his lips. "But lovable too, so, so lovable." Then, he started to leave a trail of kisses against Lelouch's neck, making him shiver. "Very lovable, in fact."

"Sh-shut up, you _idiot - ah_." Suzaku was breathing down his neck – a sensation that sent something electric jolting down Lelouch's spine.

Suzaku was chuckling. "Hmm, it's either 'idiot" or 'you fool' – you should learn to be more creative." Suzaku moved down, kissing his collarbone, then moving down, down until he was face to face with Lelouch's nipples – Suzaku leaned down and licked one of them, slowly tracing his tongue around it until the nipple hardened. Underneath him, Lelouch was shuddering, and his hands were gripping Suzaku's shoulders. "And you_ are_ lovable."

Suzaku kissed Lelouch before he could argue against that. Not that he would have said anything because they were moving against each other quickly now, both of them hard.

"_Mmh_," Lelouch said as he broke the kiss, "I need you to touch me, Suzaku."

His eyes shining with mirth and mischief, Suzaku grinned as his fingertips traced lazy patterns on Lelouch's stomach. "Where, Lelouch? Tell me _where_."

"Oh, please, we'll have none of that." Rolling his eyes, Lelouch grabbed hold of Suzaku's hand and placed it against his groin. "Here, Suzaku, _here_."

Suzaku pouted. "Not fair, Lelouch. Teasing is supposed to be sexy."

"It's stu-_ngh_." But the words died on his tongue because Suzaku had chosen that moment to start rubbing him.

"_Stupid_, yes?" Suzaku smirked as he dived his hand under the waistband of Lelouch's trousers, letting his fingers ghost around his erection without touching.

"Very stupid. Especially when you're – _ah_," Lelouch moaned when he felt Suzaku's warm, sweaty palm around his cock – gripping gently, moving up and down. His pace was slow – so slow that Lelouch was digging his fingernails into the bed sheets and, _damnit_, he was grinding his teeth against his lips, not wanting to moan out again.

Which didn't escape Suzaku's attention. "Hey, don't hide your moans." He was leaning down, his breath tickling Lelouch's cheek.

Lelouch rolled his eyes, opening his mouth to say something, but Suzaku kissed him as he fastened his pace. Then Lelouch was just moaning into the kiss, his _nghs_ and _ahhs_ swallowed by Suzaku's mouth, his tongue. "Suzaku, I want –" He gritted his teeth, feeling Suzaku's hand slow down, then stopping. "Don't…just don't make fun of me."

Lelouch's eyes were burning – violet eyes darker than usual, their intensity more fierce, and Suzaku couldn't help but kiss him again – just a brief peck against his lips. "I'm not making fun of you. I just wanted to tease you a little. I'm sorry – I thought this would make you relax."

"Back to apologising, are we, Suzaku?" Lelouch smiled, looking at Suzaku looming above him – his beautifully expressive green eyes, the toned, muscled build of his upper body, and – Lelouch's gaze traveled downwards – the way his slightly too big pants were riding low on hips. He saw that Suzaku was aroused, but holding back.

"I want you." Lelouch said it directly without averting his eyes. "Bring me the cream."

Suzaku looked hesitant for a moment, frowning, but then he nodded. "Okay – drawer beside the bed, right?"

"First shelf," Lelouch added, and Suzaku nodded, fetching what they needed with a thumping heart and shuddering hands; Lelouch waited, his breathing a little quicker than usual.

"Sorry for making you wait," Suzaku said as he sat down on the bed again, the cream in trembling his hand. "So should I – or do you want to do it yourself?"

This time, Lelouch did flush as he said, "No, no. I'll do it myself – faster this way."

After Lelouch had ridded himself of his pants - dropping them on the floor right beside Suzaku's discarded shirt, he tried not to look at Suzaku, while opening the lid of the cream box and coating his fingers with its contents.

A shudder ran down Suzaku's spine as he watched Lelouch insert his fingers. Lelouch was hissing a bit, and Suzaku – grabbed hold of his hand, wanting to soothe him. "Hurts?"

"No … just a bit strange. Uncomfortable," Lelouch replied honestly. He leaned forward and kissed Suzaku as he started to move his finger, twisting it and moaning into the kiss - the uncomfortable sensation clearly dulling down. When he pulled away, he was panting. "Watch me, Suzaku – just watch me."

And Suzaku did. It was one of the most erotic things he'd ever seen: Lelouch fucking himself on his fingers, his toes curled, and his face flushed as he moved them inside of himself. His eyes had fluttered close and his mouth, swollen a bit from all their kissing, opened to a little 'o'. If Suzaku hadn't been hard before, he was now.

"It's…fine now, I think…" Lelouch took the fingers out and looked at Suzaku, shaking his head at the other's befuddled expression. "Take those pants off."

"_Huh_ – oh, right." Suzaku kicked his pants off quickly, feeling a bit sheepish. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been that nervous, and with Lelouch's violet eyes burning themselves into his with an intensity that made his heartbeat quicken, Suzaku was forced to admit that he'd never felt like this really. "God, Lelouch -"

"Come on – kiss me, you idiot," Lelouch said as he pulled Suzaku down into a kiss, spreading his legs.

"I was just going to say that you're…" Suzaku started but then pressed a kiss against Lelouch's forehead affectionately. "If it hurts in any way, I'll stop, okay?"

Lelouch rolled his eyes then just smiled, letting his fingertips trail over Suzaku's arm and said, "We haven't even _started_. So try me."

Nodding, Suzaku positioned himself cautiously at Lelouch's entrance, shivering, and leaned to press a kiss against Lelouch's forehead again, then his nose, and finally his lips as he whispered, "I love you, Lelouch." Then he started to push himself inside, _slowly_.

"Ah, Suzaku –" Lelouch had torn his lips away and was holding onto him, his fingernails digging into his shoulders.

"Are you fine?" Suzaku asked when he was all the way inside – and _fuck_, it was tight. Tighter than he remembered. So tight that it really was tempting to bury himself to the hilt and start thrusting right away, but he couldn't unless he wanted to hurt Lelouch again. "Should I pull out?"

"Hmm, _no_ – you're so warm, Suzaku," Lelouch replied as he pulled Suzaku closer and shifted a bit underneath him. "I can really feel you inside, can feel you trembling too, your breath -" Lelouch stopped talking and pulled Suzaku in for a kiss.

It didn't look like Lelouch was hurting in any way, and he was _clenching_. "I'm going to start moving now."

"Are you actually going to do it or just announce it?" Lelouch shook his head, and the ghost of a smile was forming on his face. He trailed his hands down Suzaku's back, making the other shiver. "_Move_. You don't need my permission."

Suzaku wanted to argue about that point, but Lelouch started moving underneath him then, arching up - and he let out a surprised gasp. "_Fuck_, Lelouch."

The action had caused his cock to slide in a bit deeper, and, damn, Suzaku had to bite his lips to keep himself from slamming in. But he'd gotten it now, so he moved, rolling his hips forward as he pushed in deeper. But not before he asked, "Why do _that_, Lelouch?"

"Just wanted to test things out a bit - _hah." _Suzaku had just pulled his cock out, but was now pushing back _in, in, in_, and Lelouch closed his eyes, moaning (probably not even registering he was).

"Can I move a bit faster?" Perhaps that question wasn't necessary, especially not with Lelouch having just whispered 'more, Suzaku' and 'yes', but it was about principles here. There was a part of him that wanted to know that _this_ wasn't just a figment of his imagination, that it was real.

Lelouch's eyes fluttered open. "I can't believe you're actually asking me for my permission-" He paused when he saw the seriousness in Suzaku's eyes, and the irritated glare fled from his features, and Lelouch nodded. "Yes, go ahead."

"Good." Suzaku leaned forward and kissed Lelouch again - just a lazy peck against his lips. "Then hold on tight."

"Not those stupid comments again - _ahhh_." Suzaku had started moving now, not too fast, but in a steady rhythm that had Lelouch holding onto him tighter. "You…really - how _childish_, Suzaku."

"But you like it, don't you?" Suzaku asked as he pulled out, and thrust back inside, and then again ... _in_ and _out_, _out_ and _in_, making the bed creak. "You really like this, don't you?" He looked down at Lelouch, saw his flushed face and, his gaze travelling lower, the pre-cum on his erection (yes, he really did like it).

"Yes, I…like it - _ahh_." Lelouch's words were drowned out as Suzaku leaned down and kissed him hungrily and nearly in tune with his quick thrusts. The bed was still creaking, but neither of them minded, too immersed in how good it felt to be with each other.

Neither of them were going to last long now. Lelouch, nearly overwhelmed by how good it felt, was clenching around Suzaku, whose thrusts steadily grew less rhythmic, sloppier as he felt himself getting closer and closer.

Then, he was there, the pleasure building up _(so good, so good, so good)_, and Lelouch could only hold on tightly to Suzaku as it rolled over him, and Suzaku was kissing him, 'I love you' and 'I need you' on his lips.

...

"You're awake," Lelouch said, squinting his eyes and shielding them from the sunlight.

Suzaku grinned. "Early riser." He crawled over to Lelouch. "The other time was an exception."

Lelouch just nodded and sat up in bed - something he regretted immediately as a rather uncomfortable sensation shot up his spine. "_Fuck_, Suzaku. You should have _warned_ me."

"About what? Being sore?" Suzaku shook his head. "You kind of brought this upon yourself." A beat, then his grin faded. "Actually, how did you get home that night?"

Lelouch clenched his jaw a bit. "I just…ignored the pain and walked on, enduring. There was nothing else I could have done."

Suzaku smiled a bit regretfully as he crawled closer, his hand grabbing hold of Lelouch's. "I don't think I'll ever stop feeling bad about it." And Suzaku didn't think he was supposed to. "Last night - did it feel good for you?"

"Yes, Suzaku, it felt good -" Lelouch interlocked their fingers together. "Just don't be so…awkward about it next time."

A grin settled on Suzaku's face, and the gloominess faded from his eyes. "_Promise_." Then, he sighed and added, "Gino often tells me that he's surprised I could act in porn films, considering how awkward I am in real life."

"_Gino_?"

"Yes, he's the producer in the porn studio I used to work for," Suzaku smiled then, the words 'used to' comforting. "I share an apartment with him."

Lelouch furrowed his eyebrows, not quite believing Suzaku. "Wait, you live with _that_ guy?"

"Jealous?" Suzaku laughed a bit. "Don't worry, he's really nice. It's unfortunate that you two met the way you did."

"I recall he was annoyingly touchy-feely and over-eager - and, really, you live with him?"

Suzaku sighed. "It's a long story, believe me. And I was considering moving out -"

"_That annoying_?"

"No. Not really." Suzaku chewed on his lip thoughtfully. "Gino is considering dropping out of the porn business too. He is seeing someone who doesn't approve of his current work at all, so he's considering quitting and living with her."

"Okay, so you want to gift him your apartment. _How noble_." Shifting on the bed, still wincing a little, Lelouch shot Suzaku an 'are you an idiot?' look. "And what about _you_ then?"

Suzaku rubbed his chin, in a mock thoughtful manner, and then he just smiled. "I'll find something! I don't own a lot of things, and I'm fine with a small apartment." He shrugged his shoulders. "I really don't need a lot a space."

"Well, if you don't need a lot of space…you could move in here," Lelouch said cautiously. "I mean it's not glamorous or anything, but -" He trailed off, a slight hint of nervousness in his voice.

Suzaku's reaction was instant and surprisingly eager, so eager that Lelouch's eyes widened. "I'd love to! If you don't mind me being here?"

"Suzaku, _I _made the offer. Why would I mind?" Lelouch paused, looking at Suzaku and, sitting up again, leaned forward. "If I didn't want you here, you would have never gotten as close as you already have."

A childish part of Suzaku felt like adding that he'd, indeed, gotten very _close_, but he just smiled. "I need to warn you though. Gino might come over, uninvited. He…tends to do that."

"I can deal with that, Suzaku."

And he sounded convinced, so convinced that Suzaku truly believed him. Indeed, he was starting to think that, even if things were going to be difficult (and they would be), even if their ghosts came back to haunt them (they definitely would), Suzaku knew that, with Lelouch there, he, at least, wouldn't be alone. "Lelouch -" He moved closer, his hand on Lelouch's cheek, brushing a few strands of hair away, and he shifted closer, close enough to press a kiss to Lelouch's lips.

But Suzaku was pushed away, and Lelouch sat up straight, hands already gripping the edge of the bed. "Nunnally, I have to pick up Nunnally…but, fuck, it _hurts_." And Lelouch shot a death glare at Suzaku, but Suzaku didn't really feel guilty. Well, a bit, but then Lelouch had _wanted_ it.

"I can pick her up for you? Just give me the address." Suzaku didn't want Lelouch dragging himself out anywhere like this, and he didn't think it would have been a nice sight to see Lelouch limping around either. Might raise the wrong sort of questions.

"I will, in two hours. And then you can tell her all about the new developments. She'll be," Lelouch smiled warmly, "beside herself with joy. She really likes you, Suzaku."

"That's nice." And it really was, even if a part of Suzaku didn't feel he deserved such affection. The same way a part of him realised that it wasn't right that he was so happy now, so loved by Lelouch, but, for once, Suzaku told that part of himself to just fuck off.

"So, two hours. That's a lot of time, and you have no school today, either…" Suzaku started, the beginning of a smile forming on his features. And he was so close to Lelouch, their lips only a few inches away. "Whatever should we do?"

Lelouch shifted closer too. "Indeed, I wonder what we should _do_."

"It's a really difficult question to answer."

"Very difficult," Lelouch said. Then he closed the distance between them, and it really wasn't all that difficult anymore at all.

…


	5. Epilogue

_Notes_:

This is a little thank you gift for all those people who faved the story in the past few months. You have no idea how motivating those favs and alerts are.

This isn't anything ground-breaking, just giving those boys a bit more closure. You are free to ignore this epilogue if you like a more open-ended conclusion (I usually don't write epilogues because I like keeping things open to the reader's interpretation).

**Warning(s)**: Fluff? Some serious talk. No sex. Sorry if you were looking forward to _that _:P Self-edited.

…

"Lelouch, you've got to calm down," Suzaku said, after Lelouch had paced through the room for the third time in a row. "You studied for the entire week; I don't see why you'd _fail_." He smiled at Lelouch warmly, hoping he'd sit down and drink a cup of green tea.

"_Shut up_, you're not being helpful," Lelouch snapped at him, shooting Suzaku a death glare. And he paced through the room, again mumbling something about 'contracts' and other things Suzaku didn't really know or care much about.

Suzaku sighed, and took a sip from his cup of tea. "I just wanted to calm you down. But if you insist on being all nervous and panicky, then please be my guest."

"...I am _not _being panicky," Lelouch replied through gritted teeth, choosing to walk back towards the couch and plopping down next to Suzaku. He had his arms crossed, bearing the facial expression of one most thoroughly wronged.

Suzaku just shook his head, grinning. "_Right_. Because pacing up and down the living room is the sign of a calm state of mind."

At that, Lelouch rolled his eyes, shooting Suzaku another of his 'just hold your tongue, idiot' looks. "And the award for most unsupportive boyfriend goes to you."

Shrugging his shoulders, Suzaku just took another sip, not able to hide his smile when he put the cup back on the table. "You seem to forget that I helped you test your knowledge –" Suzaku made a face, " – on 'cease and desist letters' yesterday." And that was hardly _unsupportive_, considering how Suzaku despised anything related to legal letters. In any shape and form.

Lelouch's facial expression softened, and he reached out to touch Suzaku's hand. "I know. And that was lovely of you." He let out a sigh. "I'm sorry; I just keep thinking I might have overlooked _something_." He knotted his eyebrows, and sighed again.

"You'll be fine." Suzaku gripped his hand tighter, and shifted closer, so that their knees were brushing against each other.

For a second, Lelouch didn't say anything, didn't even move, but then he broke out into a smile, and he shook his head. "You're sweet." He moved closer to Suzaku, pressing a brief kiss against his lips and lacing his fingers together with Suzaku's. "Hard to believe that you were kind of bastard when we first met again –"

"Ah, don't mention _that_ time," Suzaku said, his eyes growing a bit duller, "I still think that –"He took a deep breath, not sure how to start. "I still wish I could have done things diff-"

"I forgave you. You should know that by now," Lelouch interrupted him, and pressed closer to him. "And I trust you not to betray my belief in you." He snuggled against Suzaku's shoulder.

Suzaku smiled wistfully, looking at Lelouch and feeling his heart skip a beat when he saw just how much Lelouch _trusted_ him. There had been a time when they hadn't been able to sit so comfortably next to each other. "Not everyone could forgive something like that -"

"I never think it's too late to forgive, Suzaku. You see, you even managed to ... talk to your father again."

Suzaku frowned; that topic still left him feeling a bit embittered, and he curled his other hand to a fist. "I don't think I'll ever be able to – I don't know, Lelouch. He could have done things differently. "And Suzaku bit his under lip, trying not to let the bitter feelings consume him.

"I'm not saying you should forgive him at once. Though it has been years ... and, unlike my father, he's still alive –" Lelouch touched Suzaku's cheek, lovingly tracing his fingertips across it. "I just don't want you to regret never having made up with him."

Suzaku nodded, and leaned forward to kiss Lelouch gently, sighing into it; it was quickly over, him being fine with them just being like this, and Lelouch too tired from all the cramming to take it any further. "I love you," Suzaku said, grabbing hold of Lelouch's hand again.

"You're really too sweet; do you charm your _customers_ this way too?" Lelouch was looking at him challengingly.

Suzaku laughed. "You forget that I don't really have direct contact with customers. Unless you count car parts as ... well, -"He frowned, tilting his head to the side. "Are they customers?" He asked this in a mock innocent tone, knowing that it would drive Lelouch up the wall.

And the look that Lelouch gave him was about one part amused, two parts incredulous, and three parts _annoyed_. "Very funny, you have a most delightful sense of humour." His eyes narrowed. "And you might not charm car parts, but you definitely didn't shy away from using your charms in a very specific way once –"

"It's been nearly _four_ years." Suzaku rolled his eyes. It wasn't like he'd forgotten about _that_ job entirely, but with – every passing day that moved him away from what he'd been once – it seemed more and more like a bad dream.

"I _know_," Lelouch said, frowning, "but a part of me still hates how you slept with so many people –"He sighed loudly, his hands running over Suzaku's palm.

"I told you once that didn't really mean anything. It was just a job." Suzaku wasn't going to say that he wished he could have taken it all back (_he did_), or that he would have loved it if he'd been reunited with Lelouch before his life had fallen apart (_he always wondered what if -_), but the truth was that he had been a porn star once, and nothing would change that. And he'd told himself that he would stop obsessing over the past the day he'd finally accepted that Lelouch wanted to be with him, too.

"It means everything to me though now, being with you – and Nunnally." He looked at Lelouch, smiling again.

"You're so sentimental," Lelouch said, but there was smile on his face. "Has Euphy been rubbing off on you?"

"...No, I think you should blame Nunnally. Though Euphy shares an equal blame," Suzaku said, chuckling while running his hands through Lelouch's hair.

"... she is very annoyingly into those romantic tropes, so unlike Cornelia," Lelouch said, closing his eyes. "I really wonder how they get along so well, those unlikely pair of sisters." Yet, despite the words, Suzaku could hear the warmth behind them.

"It's good that Nunnally has someone to spend time with though. Especially today," Suzaku said, meaning every word. "I know how you were against trusting someone of your family at first, but ... those two really _care_." And he knew how hard it was find to someone who did just that - loved you for what you were.

"I know," Lelouch said, smiling at Suzaku, his eyes fluttering open and shining brightly with affection, "you hammered it into my head so often until the message finally sunk in."

"You can be stubborn," Suzaku replied, grinning.

"And you are ..." Lelouch started, but then just let out a sigh. "As charming as this affectionate banter might be, I need some rest." With that, he shifted on the couch until his head was resting on Suzaku's lap, and his feet were curled up. He murmured another 'don't say anything' before closing his eyes, and drifting away into sleep.

And Suzaku should have told him that their bedroom would have been a better option, but Lelouch looked so carefree and happy that Suzaku decided to not say anything at all.

If Lelouch complained of an aching back and a crick in his neck on the next day, it certainly wasn't going to be _his _fault.

...


End file.
